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Author Topic: 101 Things you didn't know about The Beach Boys...  (Read 15420 times)
Curtis Leon
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« Reply #75 on: October 16, 2010, 02:27:54 AM »

114) In an alternate dimension, somewhere very, very far away, SMiLE was finished in its intended form in 1966. Unfortunately, it was so brilliant, that anyone listening to it besides Brian himself would literally suffer a mind overload, collapsing dead that instant. And thus, Brian Wilson, at the top of his songwriting form, now wanders the barren Earth, stripped of life.

115. ...and in yet another dimension, a parallel universe, SMiLE got finished in 1967. It was so brilliant that indeed listeners other than Brian collapsed dead. But the President of the United States over there, George Bush III, heard about it in time, and sent a Special Elite SWAT Team to Western & Gold Star, to confiscate the master tapes. He then instructed Capitol to press 1 million units at Fort Knox. After that, he used these as WMDs, by letting heli's fly over Iran, Iraq, Saudi-Arabia, Russia, China, India, and Indonesia, and also Lybia.

So, over on that planet, the whole world is America.

116. And yet, in even ANOTHER dimension, Landy traveled back in time to 1967, taking over Brian's life through a futuristic mind chip that he harvested from the grave of Dennis Wilson. (As an unintended effect, Brian gained a sex drive comparable to three hundred monkeys locked in a cage.) Their version of SMiLE contained such hits as a non synth version of "Rock and Roll Music", "She's Got Rhythm" sung in Brian's original voice, a mix of Vega-Tables that included aspects of both masters AND "Metal Beach", then entirety of "Love You" as the bonus humor disk, interspersed with all of the joke sessions Brian did PLUS Smog, and, perhaps the oddest song of all, a version of "Heroes and Villians" using only a spoon, a glass, and a Moog synthesizer brought by Landy.

As soon as the first needle pressed down to the first copy of the record, the entire universe exploded, wiping out perhaps the best record ever conceived. It is said that the US government, having traveled to the dimension beforehand though an experimental Area 51 prototype, managed to secure a copy of the record and the recorded tapes.

It is locked right under the Ark of the Covenant. Right next to the supposed Wishbone Ash record that would've brought the Lost Chord into existence, bringing an eternity of peace on Earth.

EDIT: The record was released with a 30 minute single version of "Ding Dang". Unfortunately, the sheer power of the song literally melted all the vinyl that it tried to be pressed to. The only person to ever listen to  the completed form, save for Brian, was found in his chair, his skull literally melted into the floor.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2010, 02:40:30 AM by Curtis Leon » Logged
The Madcap
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« Reply #76 on: October 16, 2010, 08:16:12 AM »

117. In yet another alternate dimension, not only did Brian release SMilE, but Syd Barrett didn't suffer a mental breakdown. in this universe, the human race was strong enough to not die upon hearing SMiLE, but it did cause very heated debates, but it's impact was minuscule compared to what happened next. Syd Barrett and Brian Wilson decided to collaborate on an album. The resulting album was so experimental and so ahead of it's time that upon hearing one second of it, Mike Love spontaneously grew 5 feet of hair, which immediately fell off as he dropped dead on the floor. the world erupted into chaos over whether or not the album the album was the most ingenious thing ever, or if it was just a piece of avant-garde sh*t, and even caused the Cold War to erupt into a full scale nuclear war. The chaos caused the entire Wrecking Crew to commit mass suicide, due to the guilt they felt for being involved with an album that caused this much destruction. Paul McCartney went insane with the knowledge that he could never top this album, and just when people thought things couldn't get any worse, they got far worse than anyone could possibly imagine. Brian and Syd announced that their next album would be a collaboration with Wishbone Ash. The resulting album was so powerful, that it caused the destruction of the entire dimension. 
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hypehat
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« Reply #77 on: October 17, 2010, 04:52:09 PM »

118) In an alternate universe, the world of the Beach Boys is very much alike to our own, besides the fact that 'John Stamos Reimagines Gershwin' has recently hit no# 1 in the States.
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All roads lead to Kokomo. Exhaustive research in time travel has conclusively proven that there is no alternate universe WITHOUT Kokomo. It would've happened regardless.
What is this "life" thing you speak of ?

Quote from: Al Jardine
Syncopate it? In front of all these people?!
Don_Zabu
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« Reply #78 on: October 17, 2010, 06:19:55 PM »

(You guys skipped a number)

120) In another alternate universe, Bob Saget becomes the Beach Boys's new drummer instead of John Stamos. The dirty jokes he delivers between songs are the stuff of legend, and the show is worth going to solely for that.
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« Reply #79 on: October 17, 2010, 06:22:48 PM »

121) Al Jardine fell into the microphone.



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Pretty Funky
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« Reply #80 on: October 17, 2010, 06:23:17 PM »

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Pretty Funky
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« Reply #81 on: October 17, 2010, 06:24:30 PM »

119) We all knew it so it was pulled!
(You guys skipped a number)

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Curtis Leon
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« Reply #82 on: October 18, 2010, 02:24:12 AM »

122) There is a version of Chapel of Love recorded in 1962, featuring the best vocal performance of Brian's career, outclassing Don't Worry Baby, Let Him Run Wild, Til I Die, and Surf's Up by a magnitude of several hundred. Unfortunately, the day after this song was recorded, Phil Spector knocked Brian out in a prolonged fist fight, involving several cross-building chases, stealing the song for his own use. Brian, due to the head injuries, forgot all about the past few days, thus temporarily losing his know-how with his falsetto. It lost a bit of its sweetness, too, but that was brushed off considering the power of his voice anyway. The rest of the band pretended it never happened, thus, the master tapes were sealed within the deepest vaults of Fort Knox, never to be released for fear of the public reaction, and, to a large part, the reaction from Brian.
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The Heartical Don
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« Reply #83 on: October 18, 2010, 02:48:35 AM »

123. Brian Wilson's real name is Barry Soetoro. He was born in Indonesia. He is an illegitimate son of Malcolm X. In puberty, he got severe onset of vitiligo, an affliction which made his skin pale all over. That effectively ended his urge to spread islam all over the world, and to convert the U.S. into a communist country.

Soetoro went to Jamaica in 1960, and visited young reggae upstart Lee Perry. Perry showed him his tiny recording shack, the Black Ark, and taught him how to make complex mono productions on a Teac 4-track and an Echoplex reverb machine. Also, he taught Soetoro how to roll the largest spliffs known to mankind.

In those days, Soetoro was a real sports phenomenon. He said goodbye to Perry. He swam all the way to Florida, and hiked to California. There, he met a young Dennis Wilson. Dennis said: I need a friggin' messenger. I am good in surfing, but I can't play a note. Soetoro saw his chance and seized it. Dennis introduced Soetoro to his dad, a real gent named Murry. Murry smelled fame and money, and took Soetoro under his wings. He handled all legal stuff, and christened our Barry: Brian.

Thus, history was made.

PS: Lee Perry felt Brian's later career to be such a defeat for himself, that he set his own studio on fire, in 1976.
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hypehat
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« Reply #84 on: October 19, 2010, 08:01:49 AM »

124. Billy Hinsche once told Carl Wilson the familar joke, 'A man walks into a bar..... ouch' joke during a soundcheck in 1976. Carl found this joke so funny he proceeded to laugh constantly throughout not only the rest of the soundcheck, but during the show as well, crying tears of laughter onstage, pausing twice to throw up offstage, flubbing guitar lines, laughing his way through vocal parts and interrupting songs to tell it to the audience repeatedly over the course of a 2h30m show.

A tape of the show is reportedly floating around, in which you can clearly hear Brian say into the mic 'Fucking hell Carl, it's not that funny' during 'Surfer Girl'.
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All roads lead to Kokomo. Exhaustive research in time travel has conclusively proven that there is no alternate universe WITHOUT Kokomo. It would've happened regardless.
What is this "life" thing you speak of ?

Quote from: Al Jardine
Syncopate it? In front of all these people?!
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« Reply #85 on: October 19, 2010, 08:49:08 AM »

What concert is this from, Hyperhat?  I gotta hear it.  Carl musta had something to drink and/or smoke.......
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I, I love the colorful clothes she wears, and she's already working on my brain. I only looked in her eyes, but I picked up something I just can't explain. I, I bet I know what she’s like, and I can feel how right she’d be for me. It’s weird how she comes in so strong, and I wonder what she’s picking up from me. I hope it’s good, good, good, good vibrations, yeah!!
Curtis Leon
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« Reply #86 on: October 19, 2010, 04:39:32 PM »

125. The Wilson boys are secretly hyper intelligent vegetables, grown by the government under a test to see how smart they could make food products. Murry Wilson, a former government agent, stole the growing vegetables after he learned that he was infertile with Audrey. There, he raised them as his own, committing a series of gristly experiments to graft skin and limb to the children. They were raised, with no idea as to who they truly were, with Mike and Al, growing up like normal children. Eventually though, on the eve of each of their 18th birthdays, he told them all the truth. All of them swore to keep it a secret for as long as they live, forming a rock band, living like normal Southern Californians. Brian couldn't hold it in, however, eventually snapping, and encoding a song, with Van Dyke Parks, about the secret. "I'm gonna be 'round my vegetables" - He was always around his brothers, whether it be touring early on, or studio work later. "I'm gonna chow down my vegetables" - Referring to his revulsion of eating his own kind. "I, love you most of all, my favorite vegetable." - Of course, he would love his brothers the most of all, they were his binding force to the group. The rest of the song is filled with the sort - "I'm red as a BEET cause I'm so embarrassed." - Embarrassed about his secret, of course.

After the song was written, Brian couldn't help himself any longer. He suffered a mental breakdown, spiraling on a downward slope for the next two decades. Only a few people know the truth. Mike found out after Dennis died, paying the coroner to keep it a secret. Landy knew, which is why he was so controlling over Brian, he knew that Brian couldn't see anyone else for fear of discovery. Melinda knows now, although Marylin always suspected something, and so does Brian's recent psychiatrist.
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The Madcap
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« Reply #87 on: October 19, 2010, 06:31:44 PM »

125. The Wilson boys are secretly hyper intelligent vegetables, grown by the government under a test to see how smart they could make food products. Murry Wilson, a former government agent, stole the growing vegetables after he learned that he was infertile with Audrey. There, he raised them as his own, committing a series of gristly experiments to graft skin and limb to the children. They were raised, with no idea as to who they truly were, with Mike and Al, growing up like normal children. Eventually though, on the eve of each of their 18th birthdays, he told them all the truth. All of them swore to keep it a secret for as long as they live, forming a rock band, living like normal Southern Californians. Brian couldn't hold it in, however, eventually snapping, and encoding a song, with Van Dyke Parks, about the secret. "I'm gonna be 'round my vegetables" - He was always around his brothers, whether it be touring early on, or studio work later. "I'm gonna chow down my vegetables" - Referring to his revulsion of eating his own kind. "I, love you most of all, my favorite vegetable." - Of course, he would love his brothers the most of all, they were his binding force to the group. The rest of the song is filled with the sort - "I'm red as a BEET cause I'm so embarrassed." - Embarrassed about his secret, of course.

After the song was written, Brian couldn't help himself any longer. He suffered a mental breakdown, spiraling on a downward slope for the next two decades. Only a few people know the truth. Mike found out after Dennis died, paying the coroner to keep it a secret. Landy knew, which is why he was so controlling over Brian, he knew that Brian couldn't see anyone else for fear of discovery. Melinda knows now, although Marylin always suspected something, and so does Brian's recent psychiatrist.

126. Al Jardine is really a bunch of sardines disguising themselves as a man.
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hypehat
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« Reply #88 on: October 20, 2010, 04:18:37 AM »

127. Mike Love is a really a horse, in a man costume.
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All roads lead to Kokomo. Exhaustive research in time travel has conclusively proven that there is no alternate universe WITHOUT Kokomo. It would've happened regardless.
What is this "life" thing you speak of ?

Quote from: Al Jardine
Syncopate it? In front of all these people?!
The Heartical Don
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« Reply #89 on: October 20, 2010, 04:21:18 AM »

128. John Stamos is a philosopher. In spare time, he teaches Kant and Heidegger at Harvard. Students love him, because halfway during long and boring sections, he spontaneously bursts out in a thrilling rendition of Kokomo. Students catch on.

Top guy.
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Mike's Beard
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« Reply #90 on: October 20, 2010, 11:33:07 AM »

127. Mike Love is a really a horse, in a man costume.

I've had my suspicions all along...
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I'd rather be forced to sleep with Caitlyn Jenner then ever have to listen to NPP again.
Mr. Cohen
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« Reply #91 on: October 20, 2010, 11:40:11 AM »

Brian Wilson dislikes the taste of shortening bread.
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Curtis Leon
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« Reply #92 on: October 20, 2010, 02:26:13 PM »

130. Dennis Wilson was actually one of the greatest drummers ever, able to out bash greats like Keith Moon when he was feeling up to it. Unfortunately, Murry had demoralized him so much during his short tenure with the band, that he never found the will to drum anything more than basic beats.
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