The worst joke...

[The Heartical Don]

Just heard that the folks from the Wishbone Ash forums were reading this thread. Their server then went down after several cases of shortcircuiting. The reason? The WA fans were collectively pissing themselves with laughter. And that was not because of the jokes on display here.

[The Shift]

Alan Boyd was replacing SMiLE tapes on the shelves of the Capitol archive when suddenly a brand-new BMW rolled into the Capitol Tower parking lot. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Rayban sunglasses and YSL tie, strode confidently through the Capitol Tower doors, past reception and down into the archive.

"Hey Alan," he said. "If I tell you exactly how many SMiLE tapes you have in here, can I take one home?"

Alan looks him up and down, recognises a yuppie when he sees one, looks at the tape shelf and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, hacks into the Capitol security camera system while simultaneously accessing NASA's internal computer systems, from which he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location. He uploads the location details to another NASA computer mainframe which calculates the size of the Capitol Tower, accessing a detailed floor plan stored in the LA Fire Dept's central computer to quantify the exact cubic capacity of the archive in which the SMILE tapes are stored.

The young man then image-grabs stills from the streaming security camera footage and exports them to a processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. This calculates the exact size of the tape reel boxes, the empty space between shelf stacks, and even the cubic volume of the two men stood in the storage facility.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the images have been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

He prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to Alan and says, "You have exactly 1586 tapes."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of the SMiLE tapes," says Alan. He watches the young man select something and looks on amused as he stuffs it into a leather Gucci briefcase and turns to head for the parking lot.

Then Alan says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my tape?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says Alan.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Alan. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; using data that everyone but yourself has calculated. And you don't know crap about my business.

"Now, give me back my pizza box."

[Jonas]

^ Definitely the worst joke.

[Mike's Beard]

Q: Why did Mike Love cross the road?












A: Because the Courthouse was on the other side of the street.

WAKA! WAKA!

[Jason]

Lame jokes are lame.

[Mike's Beard]

Why do I get the feeling some of these jokes will turn up in Mike's onstage banter?

[Pinder's Gone To Kokomo And Back Again]

Q: Why did Mike Love cross the road?

Best joke ever 












A: Because the Courthouse was on the other side of the street.

WAKA! WAKA!

[hypehat]

Having returned from the pub, i feel it my duty to shame the board further with awful jokes adapted to the boys.

Sadly, I cannot hope to plumb the depths you reprobates have reached so far.

You have beaten me, Smiley Smilers....

[SG7]

This thread is amazing 

[bgas]

Having returned from the pub, i feel it my duty to shame the board further with awful jokes adapted to the boys.

Sadly, I cannot hope to plumb the depths you reprobates have reached so far.

You have beaten me, Smiley Smilers....

Is that sarcasm?

[Pretty Funky]

  "Well I just like to Drive. Van Dyke Parks." 

 

[The Heartical Don]

This thread is amazing 

Yeah. It totally destroyed our reputation of being intelligent, witty BW fans in a mere two days. I think I'll join the Wishbone Ash forums.

[Jay]

Alan Boyd was replacing SMiLE tapes on the shelves of the Capitol archive when suddenly a brand-new BMW rolled into the Capitol Tower parking lot. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Rayban sunglasses and YSL tie, strode confidently through the Capitol Tower doors, past reception and down into the archive.

"Hey Alan," he said. "If I tell you exactly how many SMiLE tapes you have in here, can I take one home?"

Alan looks him up and down, recognises a yuppie when he sees one, looks at the tape shelf and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, hacks into the Capitol security camera system while simultaneously accessing NASA's internal computer systems, from which he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location. He uploads the location details to another NASA computer mainframe which calculates the size of the Capitol Tower, accessing a detailed floor plan stored in the LA Fire Dept's central computer to quantify the exact cubic capacity of the archive in which the SMILE tapes are stored.

The young man then image-grabs stills from the streaming security camera footage and exports them to a processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. This calculates the exact size of the tape reel boxes, the empty space between shelf stacks, and even the cubic volume of the two men stood in the storage facility.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the images have been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

He prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to Alan and says, "You have exactly 1586 tapes."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of the SMiLE tapes," says Alan. He watches the young man select something and looks on amused as he stuffs it into a leather Gucci briefcase and turns to head for the parking lot.

Then Alan says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my tape?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says Alan.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Alan. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; using data that everyone but yourself has calculated. And you don't know crap about my business.

"Now, give me back my pizza box."

Did you think that up on your own?

[ukulelejesus]

My joke was the bets joke and you are all in eternal pain form the awesome badness of it.

Shaggy dog joke baby.

[ukulelejesus]

Having returned from the pub, i feel it my duty to shame the board further with awful jokes adapted to the boys.

Sadly, I cannot hope to plumb the depths you reprobates have reached so far.

You have beaten me, Smiley Smilers....

Mine was original.

Everyone else are just posers.

I am king of irredeemable puns.

My daddy taught me well.

Get  a breath of that country air! bad puns lying everywhere!

[Rob Dean]

Went to my local Chinese Resturant for a takeaway , and while waiting I asked the Chef what his favourite Beach Boys song was - Well after a while of thinking he gave his answer !

" Ah , 'Til I Fry "        :-)

[punkinhead]

thought this was a joke, but it wasn't!

On Pandora, Surf's Up was playing, the lyrics were on there...for the "bygone bygone" part, it had for the lyrics: "Michael Michael"                 

WTF?!?!?!


Mike Love would not be pleased

[Don_Zabu]

Q. What are three things you have to keep track of at a wedding?

A. Is Roger Christian, did Gary usher, and where did Van Dyke park?

[hypehat]

That one actually made me laugh. I salute you, sir.

[punkinhead]

Q. What are three things you have to keep track of at a wedding?

A. Is Roger Christian, did Gary usher, and where did Van Dyke park?

wow, that was good

[Don_Zabu]

Too bad I didn't come up with it. This guy did:

http://smileysmile.net/board/index.php/topic,9509.msg164328.html#msg164328

[The Shift]

Alan Boyd was replacing SMiLE tapes on the shelves of the Capitol archive when suddenly a brand-new BMW rolled into the Capitol Tower parking lot. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Rayban sunglasses and YSL tie, strode confidently through the Capitol Tower doors, past reception and down into the archive.

"Hey Alan," he said. "If I tell you exactly how many SMiLE tapes you have in here, can I take one home?"

Alan looks him up and down, recognises a yuppie when he sees one, looks at the tape shelf and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, hacks into the Capitol security camera system while simultaneously accessing NASA's internal computer systems, from which he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location. He uploads the location details to another NASA computer mainframe which calculates the size of the Capitol Tower, accessing a detailed floor plan stored in the LA Fire Dept's central computer to quantify the exact cubic capacity of the archive in which the SMILE tapes are stored.

The young man then image-grabs stills from the streaming security camera footage and exports them to a processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. This calculates the exact size of the tape reel boxes, the empty space between shelf stacks, and even the cubic volume of the two men stood in the storage facility.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the images have been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

He prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to Alan and says, "You have exactly 1586 tapes."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of the SMiLE tapes," says Alan. He watches the young man select something and looks on amused as he stuffs it into a leather Gucci briefcase and turns to head for the parking lot.

Then Alan says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my tape?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says Alan.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Alan. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; using data that everyone but yourself has calculated. And you don't know crap about my business.

"Now, give me back my pizza box."

Did you think that up on your own?

Of course not!

[punkinhead]

Who got Brian off more than Marilyn and Melinda put together?


Phil Spector    

[Pretty Funky]

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRU972iKRsQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EMcsEJsfqw&feature=related

[rogerlancelot]

Mike Love recently had an ass hole transplant and it rejected him.