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Author Topic: The (Fictional) Crimes of Jeffrey Foskett  (Read 25167 times)
hypehat
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« on: April 12, 2012, 03:57:31 AM »

It's time this man must be stopped, for the good of all that is decent, right, American and high pitched. There is evil in our midst, and its name is Jeff.

1. He claims to be the CEO of Falsetto, yet an audit of his finances suggested he holds no such position in a company of that name anywhere. Therefore, it is probably a shell company used to siphon your hard-earned tax dollars.

2. Using his cunning disguise as a singer in various incarnations of The Beach Boys, and his own highly profitable loanshark business (rumoured to be based at 86 Trinity Plaza, NYC), recent revelations about the group have led us to believe that he is now the most stunningly well-connected mobster in the Western Hemisphere.

3. Those who are close to him reveal strange personal habits befitting the sick, deranged mind that would be capable of such heinous acts, such as shooting BB guns into a local Salvation Army and ordering thousands of dollars worth of music on iTunes and burning them onto CDs, then trying to get a refund for them at his local Apple Store.

4. A local news report from Wilmington, Delaware dating from 1991 appeared to state that when a woman and her boyfriend sat down to watch 'The Terminator 2', at an unspecified moment the woman suddenly shrieked at the screen 'It can't be.... It's Jeff!' and was driven to such a state of hysteria that she eventually was put into a maximum security mental institution where she still remains.

5. One anonymous witness once claimed he heard Jeff say 'I own every prostitute from here to Moscow.' without a trace of humour.

6. He apparently has a long term lease on the South Pole. A BBC cameraman working there for David Attenborough apparently once caught Foskett on film trying to conduct a 500 strong orchestra and cast of penguins in what seemed to be Wagner's Ring Cycle, but the results were apparently 'godawful, and he insisted everything be sung in falsetto'. Sadly, the cameraman has since gone missing after withdrawing his life savings.

7. Speaking of his real estate dealings, Foskett is apparently lobbying Congress with a view to change the law that no man can buy land on the Moon, as he imagines it would be surprisingly easy to convert the celestial body into the Death Star.

8. Foskett apparently has the amazing gift of being able to backmask his own singing. The only recorded evidence appears to be Brian Wilson's Live at The Roxy Album, which when played backwards reveal that whenever Foskett is singing, the words 'Obamacare is Satan' and 'Santorum for President' are mysteriously encoded into his voice.

9. Not content with going down to GAP and buying his shirts, Foskett has a sweatshop in Malaysia working 24/7 to make clothes for him and him alone. Of course, the sheer volume of output and Jeff's modest taste in attire means the vast majority are discarded in the rainforest.

10. As a boy, Foskett's favourite past-times included racism, cutting the brakes on neighbourhood cars, firing guns at passing planes and spending family vacations pushing people into the Grand Canyon.


I know it seems the more we talk about it, it only makes it worse to live without it.... But lets talk about it.

#Foskett2012
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« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2012, 05:20:22 AM »

Give peace a chance
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« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2012, 05:25:09 AM »


8. Foskett apparently has the amazing gift of being able to backmask his own singing. The only recorded evidence appears to be Brian Wilson's Live at The Roxy Album, which when played backwards reveal that whenever Foskett is singing, the words 'Obamacare is Satan' and 'Santorum for President' are mysteriously encoded into his voice.


LOL all are great, but this one made me bust out!
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« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2012, 05:41:34 AM »

11.  In the mid-ninties Foskett dabbled in script writing, when he ghost-wrote the scripts to the stars wars prequels
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« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2012, 08:49:04 AM »

12. He moonlights in a Four Seasons cover band.

How deep is the Vali?
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« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2012, 08:53:34 AM »

10. As a boy, Foskett's favourite past-times included racism, cutting the brakes on neighbourhood cars, firing guns at passing planes and spending family vacations pushing people into the Grand Canyon.

This one is great.
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« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2012, 09:12:42 AM »

I heard that Jeff runs over badgers in his tractor for fun.
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« Reply #7 on: April 12, 2012, 09:16:41 AM »

Someone once told me they had heard a rumor that Jeff eats anchovies on his pizza.

Oh, and he puts mustard on his hot dogs!

Mustard!
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« Reply #8 on: April 12, 2012, 09:47:59 AM »

It's time this man must be stopped, for the good of all that is decent, right, American and high pitched. There is evil in our midst, and its name is Jeff.

1. He claims to be the CEO of Falsetto, yet an audit of his finances suggested he holds no such position in a company of that name anywhere. Therefore, it is probably a shell company used to siphon your hard-earned tax dollars.

2. Using his cunning disguise as a singer in various incarnations of The Beach Boys, and his own highly profitable loanshark business (rumoured to be based at 86 Trinity Plaza, NYC), recent revelations about the group have led us to believe that he is now the most stunningly well-connected mobster in the Western Hemisphere.

3. Those who are close to him reveal strange personal habits befitting the sick, deranged mind that would be capable of such heinous acts, such as shooting BB guns into a local Salvation Army and ordering thousands of dollars worth of music on iTunes and burning them onto CDs, then trying to get a refund for them at his local Apple Store.

4. A local news report from Wilmington, Delaware dating from 1991 appeared to state that when a woman and her boyfriend sat down to watch 'The Terminator 2', at an unspecified moment the woman suddenly shrieked at the screen 'It can't be.... It's Jeff!' and was driven to such a state of hysteria that she eventually was put into a maximum security mental institution where she still remains.

5. One anonymous witness once claimed he heard Jeff say 'I own every prostitute from here to Moscow.' without a trace of humour.

6. He apparently has a long term lease on the South Pole. A BBC cameraman working there for David Attenborough apparently once caught Foskett on film trying to conduct a 500 strong orchestra and cast of penguins in what seemed to be Wagner's Ring Cycle, but the results were apparently 'godawful, and he insisted everything be sung in falsetto'. Sadly, the cameraman has since gone missing after withdrawing his life savings.

7. Speaking of his real estate dealings, Foskett is apparently lobbying Congress with a view to change the law that no man can buy land on the Moon, as he imagines it would be surprisingly easy to convert the celestial body into the Death Star.

8. Foskett apparently has the amazing gift of being able to backmask his own singing. The only recorded evidence appears to be Brian Wilson's Live at The Roxy Album, which when played backwards reveal that whenever Foskett is singing, the words 'Obamacare is Satan' and 'Santorum for President' are mysteriously encoded into his voice.

9. Not content with going down to GAP and buying his shirts, Foskett has a sweatshop in Malaysia working 24/7 to make clothes for him and him alone. Of course, the sheer volume of output and Jeff's modest taste in attire means the vast majority are discarded in the rainforest.

10. As a boy, Foskett's favourite past-times included racism, cutting the brakes on neighbourhood cars, firing guns at passing planes and spending family vacations pushing people into the Grand Canyon.


I know it seems the more we talk about it, it only makes it worse to live without it.... But lets talk about it.

#Foskett2012
Yes, Foskett is a monster. I heard that he collects stem cells from Brian to help with his falsetto.
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« Reply #9 on: April 12, 2012, 09:54:30 AM »

Oh, and he puts mustard on his hot dogs!
Damn, I do that too. Earned me a few weird looks from the roommate a couple of days ago. Thought it was common..
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« Reply #10 on: April 12, 2012, 10:05:23 AM »

Fans of blind Puerto Rican singer pummel seeing eye dog.
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« Reply #11 on: April 12, 2012, 10:07:25 AM »

He's a creationist.

Oh hang on, I think that one's true.
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SMiLE Brian
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« Reply #12 on: April 12, 2012, 10:09:03 AM »

Locked Brian's moog away in a hidden bunker.
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« Reply #13 on: April 12, 2012, 10:19:47 AM »

Damn, I do that too. Earned me a few weird looks from the roommate a couple of days ago. Thought it was common..

I don't think the weird looks were about the mustard on your hot dog! Putting mustard on a hot dog is extremely common, along with ketchup and relish and maybe chopped onions. When all or part of that is available, it's a given that I reach for the mustard first and/or then the ketchup. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!  Love it!! In fact, when you go to a ball game in the States, hot dogs (with mustard and the other stuff close by) is the most popular go-to thing to eat at the ball park.
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« Reply #14 on: April 12, 2012, 10:20:02 AM »

Jeffrey Foskett brought a million copies of 'Endless Summer' in 1974 forcing the Beach Boys to have no other option but to become a nostalgia act.

Mike has been bald since the late 60's because Jeffrey Foskett sneaks into his bedroom every night and shaves his head knowing damn well that Mike is a very deep sleeper. Angry

Jeffrey Foskett steals candy from babies.

Jeffrey Foskett brought a million copies of Kokomo so Mike could remind people almost 24 years on that it got to number 1.

Jeffrey Foskett is responsible for forcing Capitol to release 'Best of The Beach Boys Vol 1' in 1966 two months after 'Pet Sounds' just to irritate Brian. He was only 10 years old at the time but he had acquired enough power even at this age to make this happen.
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« Reply #15 on: April 12, 2012, 10:27:13 AM »


I am pretty sure Jeff is French.

Because I saw him in a grocery store eyeing the Belgian Endive!

Belgian Endive!

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« Reply #16 on: April 12, 2012, 10:39:27 AM »

Locked Brian's moog away in a hidden bunker.
Brian or Darian must've found it. There's a moog on ITKOD.  Grin Wonder if Jeff knows...
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« Reply #17 on: April 12, 2012, 10:49:21 AM »

Locked Brian's moog away in a hidden bunker.
Brian or Darian must've found it. There's a moog on ITKOD.  Grin Wonder if Jeff knows...
Brian also has the baldwin organ from smiley smile as a backup. Grin
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And production aside, I’d so much rather hear a 14 year old David Marks shred some guitar on Chug-a-lug than hear a 51 year old Mike Love sing about bangin some chick in a swimming pool.-rab2591
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« Reply #18 on: April 12, 2012, 11:08:40 AM »

Locked Brian's moog away in a hidden bunker.
Brian or Darian must've found it. There's a moog on ITKOD.  Grin Wonder if Jeff knows...
Also on BWRG and TLOS. I have wondered if it is the Little Phatty; it sounds like it...
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« Reply #19 on: April 12, 2012, 11:12:06 AM »

"He's a creationist.

Oh hang on, I think that one's true."

Really?  Jesus... Dumb bastard.
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« Reply #20 on: April 12, 2012, 11:31:27 AM »

it's no coincidence that this is 2012 and Jeff is singing with the beach boys,that's a sign that the world IS ending dec 21st,maybe HE'S the one that's going to end it...or maybe he's an alien from another planet,a shape shifter...
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« Reply #21 on: April 12, 2012, 11:40:22 AM »

Jeff Foskett is force-feeding Brian in order to appear more slender on stage in comparison.
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« Reply #22 on: April 12, 2012, 11:42:56 AM »

I understand that he enjoys the music of Showaddywaddy.
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« Reply #23 on: April 12, 2012, 12:12:26 PM »

Jeff Foskett was on a DIFFERENT episode of "Full House", where Uncle Jessie was writing a jingle for some company, Jeff was one of the singers that came by to sing the jingle. 




Oh wait, you said FICTIONAL!
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« Reply #24 on: April 12, 2012, 12:45:53 PM »



Jeff Foskett never paid for drugs.  Not once.


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