Dirty Jokes

[Jay]

I've been thinking about making a topic like this for a while, but I'm not sure if the mods will allow it. Hopefully it can stay for a while. I was thinking maybe we could all post a few NSFW jokes here. I'll go first: What did the egg say to the boiling water? "It's going to take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by this chick". 

[Jason]

It's the Sandbox; I don't see much wrong with it but I'm sure someone will disagree eventually.

A vampire walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want a cup of hot water." The bartender shrugs and gives the vampire the cup of hot water. "Will there be anything else?" the bartender asks. "Oh, no," says the vampire as he pulls out a tampon. "I'm drinking tea tonight."

[♩♬🐸 Billy C ♯♫♩🐇]

[Jason]

Jay, I really hate to burst your bubble but I do not see this thread going far - not because I disapprove (I love a good old side-splitter) but because there are wayyyyyyy too many Puritans here.

[stack-o-tracks]

Jay, I really hate to burst your bubble but I do not see this thread going far - not because I disapprove (I love a good old side-splitter) but because there are wayyyyyyy too many Puritans here.

That, and I'm about as funny as open heart surgery. 

[Mahalo]

I'm game...

What's the ultimate rejection? When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep... 

[hypehat]

Lets see how the wordfilter churns this out....

A man says to his wife one morning, 'Lets go fishing!'

and his wife starts complaining, she hates fishing, it's boring, but he complains,

"You promised me last week that we would go fishing today! Ok, I'll give you a choice. Either you suck my c*ck, or go fishing. I'll go downstairs and let you think about it"

So he does, and his wife thinks, 'well, fishing is realllllly boring, so.....'

He comes back upstairs and his wife says, "Ok, I'll suck your c*ck."

And she unzips him, gets going, but she has to stop,

"By God", she says, "Your c*ck tastes disgusting!"

and he says, "I know, the dog didn't want to go fishing either."

[stack-o-tracks]

Lets see how the wordfilter churns this out....

A man says to his wife one morning, 'Lets go fishing!'

and his wife starts complaining, she hates fishing, it's boring, but he complains,

"You promised me last week that we would go fishing today! Ok, I'll give you a choice. Either you suck my galo, or go fishing. I'll go downstairs and let you think about it"

So he does, and his wife thinks, 'well, fishing is realllllly boring, so.....'

He comes back upstairs and his wife says, "Ok, I'll suck your galo."

And she unzips him, gets going, but she has to stop,

"By God", she says, "Your galo tastes disgusting!"

and he says, "I know, the dog didn't want to go fishing either."

  Nice.

[rab2591]

Yeah, I see this lasting a while LOL.

[Jay]

I forgot about the censor filter. 

A man walks in to a whorehouse and he tells the owner "I want a woman, but I've only got two dollars". The owner thinks about it for a minute and says "Ok, we've got a dead one". The guy thinks for a minute, and then says "Ok, I'm desperate...I'll take it". The guy gives the owner the two dollars and goes upstairs. After about 10 minutes the guy comes back down and the owner goes up to him and says "well, how was it?". The guy says "It was ok, but her nose kept running". The owner started laughing and said "Oh, she's all filled up again!". 

[Alex]

How do you circumcise a whale?  Send down foreskin divers.

[Alex]

A test to see if your mind is in the gutter: What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?                                                                                                                             Firetruck.

[Jay]

How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw.

[Mike's Beard]

What's the difference between a sperm bank and a normal one? In a sperm bank you lose interest after you've made a deposit.

[JK]

What's the difference between a sperm bank and a normal one? In a sperm bank you lose interest after you've made a deposit.

This probably won't split too many sides but it made me damn well laugh:

Prince Claus, husband of HRH Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands, awoke one winter's morning and saw to his dismay the words "Claus is a loony" written in the snow with what looked suspiciously like urine. He demanded an investigation, suspecting all the time that the culprit was Pieter van Vollenhoven, husband of Beatrix's sister Princess Margriet. On asking for the results of the investigation, the prince was informed that indeed, "the urine is that of Master Pieter van Vollenhoven but the handwriting is that of your wife."   

 

[smile-holland]

that should be corrected in "the late husband of HRH Queen Beatrix"... but you knew that right? 


It's in fact an oldie... most of us are familiar with Dennis Wilson's Nixon joke from the Hartford 1973 concert: http://smileysmile.net/board/index.php/topic,9675.msg168098.html#msg168098

[Jason]

How do we know Adam and Eve were white? Have YOU ever tried to take a rib from a black person?

[JK]

that should be corrected in "the late husband of HRH Queen Beatrix"... but you knew that right?  

I did indeed.

Back in the '80s and '90s I used to translate bits and pieces for exhibitions mounted by the local museum. One of these was opened by Prince Claus----I think it was called "Engineering the Diesel". The big cheese was that they had laid on a vast supply of herring for the occasion----mountains of the stuff! Good times. :=)  

[♩♬🐸 Billy C ♯♫♩🐇]

How do we know Adam and Eve were white? Have YOU ever tried to take a rib from a black person?

Oh wow

[Jason]

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after three hos.

[Steve Mayo]

A man is laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seems to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that so much?'

She replies, 'Because I really miss mine.

[Steve Mayo]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

[Steve Mayo]

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

[Jonas]

[hypehat]

Three men are stranded in the jungle when they are suddenly captured by a cannibal tribe.
The leader of the cannibal tribe tells them that there are two challenges, and failure will result in their gruesome deaths. The first challenge is to pick ten of any sort of fruit in the jungle. The three men decide to split up.
The first man finds ten apples. Upon this, the cannibal tribe descend on him and tell him that the second challenge is to shove each of these fruits up his arse, and if he has any reaction, he is killed.
Reluctantly, the challenge begins.

One apple,
Two apple,
Three apple,
But on the fourth apple, he screams in pain and is obviously brutally murdered.

The second man finds a bushel of grapes. Again, the cannibal tribe seize him and tell him the same challenge. And again, he starts.

One, two, three, four, five, six grapes go without a hitch.
Seven grapes, he starts to break a sweat, but still keeps a straight face,
Eight, he can see the end in sight. But as the ninth one goes in, he bursts into laughter and is killed.

In the queue for the Pearly Gates, the two men find each other, and the first one says,

"Why on earth did you laugh? You almost lived!"

And the second guy says,

"I know, but I saw the last guy coming with pineapples"