The Many Moods of Al Jardine

[Hank Briarstem]

It was in 1972, I believe, though it could have been any random year between 1946, and quite honestly, today. So much has merged, collapsed into a morass of “same.” One box of Morton’s Salt is another box of Morton’s Salt, and don’t get me started on pepper, Sergeant. Am I to construe that the check bounced? An error of subtraction.

I was approached about an album project for Al Jardine – “The Many Moods of Al Jardine.” It was suggested that an EP might work best, as Al isn’t a moody guy. I proposed a single to include “My Mood is Excellent” and “I’m in a Very Good Mood.” I wondered whether tracks consisting entirely of sleigh bells and jangly tambourines could work, whether it would be commercial. Al could hum over the track, I thought – “Passing By” meets “It’s a Sunshine Day,” with a bridge whistled by Bruce Johnston.

I awakened to realize this might have been a dream – though it was difficult to tell as I had fallen asleep in my street clothes, including top hat, and could theoretically have traveled some distance without being arrested. Unwilling to let Al down, I made a couple of phone calls, both of which oddly ended with Al saying “Who is this?” then hanging up. Or perhaps we had a poor connection. After all, Al lives in rather rural circumstances and churns his own butter.

Frankly this incident has nagged at me to this day, though not in the nasty, incriminating manner of Mary Ethyl, my erstwhile fiancé who disappeared one fateful day with my furniture and personal belongings, save a small wooden chair, the master of “He Gives Speeches” and a pack of Juicy Fruit gum, in the latter of which a single blade remained.

While as a soloist Al might be best known for his obsession with the PT Cruiser and for “A Postcard from California” – which I still feel would have been a major hit had it been modernized as “An Instagram from Simi Valley” – history could be different. Suppose “The Many Moods of Al Jardine” been released, complete with a coupon for free Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.

I discussed this once with Brian Wilson, though after an insightful and frankly emotional 40-minute phone call, I was chagrined to realize I had dialed a Long Beach Pizza Hut in error. Odd and beyond bizarre coincidence that the assistant manager would also have been named Brian!

Chalk this up to another missed Beach Boys opportunity, or as Michael Edward Love once said, “Chalk this up to another missed Beach Boys opportunity.”

Alas I find myself incontinent and must shower. I am willing to entertain questions about this lost project, but only while I’m awake and not enthralled in my favorite episode of “Adam 12,” the one set in the squad car.

[Douchepool]

This is just further proof that Al wanted the innocence.

[Hank Briarstem]

How Al longed for the innocence! The bitterest pill of his career – Bruce Johnston’s having copped “Disney Girls (1957)” from him while he was playing Strat-O-Matic Baseball with Jack Rieley. Bruce denies this, and rightly so, as it isn’t true. Yet it ought to have been true!

Al hasn’t a mean bone in his body. He thought only of clean teeth and healthy gums. He longed to rid the world of gingivitis. But music called. Would that David Marks had behaved on tour!

Al, whose favorite instrument is the piccolo, who watches “McClintock!” again and again merely to hear Jerry Van Dyke strum the banjo, who still dons the Beach Boys striped shirt daily as he slops the hogs! Al, who truly thought Susie Cincinnati was driving the band to Friday night bingo and who begged Brian Wilson to recast “Til I Die” as a bright, bouncy, Broadway-style number!

Forgive me as the exclamation point key on my keyboard seems to have run amuck – but who cannot exclaim when waxing of Al Jardine’s innocence. While his suggestion to Mike Love that “The Wheels on the Bus Go Round & Round” be incorporated in the live show cost him his spot in the touring band, Al stayed true to himself, as should we all.

Viva Al Jardine! And Viva Innocence! Now a noontime toddy – J&B, I think!

[ppk700]

I have a couple questions, Hank. I didn't know that Al churns his own butter (I'm not surprised, however). Is this butter available for resale? Does he ever dabble in truffle butter?

[Hank Briarstem]

Among the poor decisions made through the years by BRI, the call to forbid Al from selling his freshly churned butter under the name “Brother Butter” with artwork depicting the Beach Boys holding freshly buttered rolls and including the words “I wish it all could be California butter” might have been the worst, at least from a commercial standpoint. There was money to be made, and I'm not talking Monopoly money. While some would leap to blame this decision on Mike Love, the truth is Mike loves Al’s butter and slathers himself in it before stage appearances. No, this one was down to the “suits” and to the stodgy men inside them.

I don’t believe Al would market his butter under another name, though my understanding is that Bruce Johnston proposed “Wilojarston’s Best Spread.” I personally prefer "Butter Jardine," but Al is adamant this not be seen as a break from the rest of the band. Lately he has become unaware of current circumstances and has twice been caught trying to take the stage with an oboe at Love/Johnston Beach Boys concerts.

As to your question regarding truffle butter, might I plead confidentiality clauses in certain documents and the all-seeing legal eye of BRI? No? Well then, let me merely plead innocence in the matter.

[Mike's Beard]

I heard that the band offered to pay Landy in butter for his services in '76. Landy almost went for it as well, but a nasty industry rumour that the butter was derived from not cows milk but Carl's moobs put a kibosh on the deal at the eleventh hour.

[Hank Briarstem]

Apparently there is some confusion because Carl Wilson regularly referred to Landy, during the latter’s second and disastrous tour of duty, as “Moobs.” Landy was flattered, actually, thinking Carl to be referring to him as “Moogs,” and thus fancying that the Beach Boys saw him as a musician of sorts. That led to the following, interesting exchange that I recorded in my bestseller, “Big Sir (Contradicting the Beach Boys),” which would be out of print, no doubt, had it ever been in print –
Carl: “Get outta my face, Moobs.”

Landy: “Moogs! I like it!”

Carl: “Moobs!”

Landy: “I am teaching myself to play.”

Carl: “You idiot.”

Landy: “Is that from “The Many Moogs of Murry Wilson”?

Carl: “Ever had a noogie, Moogie?”

Landy: “Why, no… aagh!!!”

The exchange became the subject of Carl’s unreleased song, “Noogin’ the Nazi,” which might have been released had it existed.

[Pretty Funky]

I doubt Al can legally use the words 'Beach Boys' and 'Butter' in any combination. He doesn't own the legal rights to either.

[petsoundsnola]

I doubt Al can legally use the words 'Beach Boys' and 'Butter' in any combination. He doesn't own the legal rights to either.

But what if he marketed his butter as a fine French delicacy and changed the name to:

Buerre du Plage Garcon

[Pretty Funky]

If he is only going for the French market he may as well go with 'Beach Boys Butter'. Everyone knows the french are ignorant of the group (and just about everything else) if the truth be known.

[Douchepool]

The French also smell, so their butter will probably have armpit hair.

[The Shift]

Has the butter element influenced BBs' lyrics down the years?

"Pat, pat, pat, (etc) on her but(ter), she's going to sleep…"

Etc?

[Douchepool]

Has the butter element influenced BBs' lyrics down the years?

"Pat, pat, pat, (etc) on her but(ter), she's going to sleep…"

Etc?

Pat, pat, patter on her butt, butter...she's going to sleep."

[Hank Briarstem]

Given that an unfortunate misunderstanding between me and a local traffic cop has me in some legal jeopardy, I will refrain from speculation, though I wish we still lived in a country where what a man churns he earns. Al’s butter is so terribly unrecognized. I find myself saddened.

I believe Carol Kaye gave testimony recently to the quality of the product. “Though the man never played a note in any Beach Boys session – I plucked the ‘rhythm guitar’ parts on a fire helmet someone left in the studio during a ‘Surfin’ Safari’ session, and Brian liked it so much he had me play on every recording – we all looked forward to a taste of Al’s delicious butter. We’d spread it on toast, or on special occasions, waffles.”

Carol will probably deny this fiction, but that makes Al’s butter no less a compelling and marketable product.

It seems clear that both Carol and I were disappointed that no reference was made to this dairy wonder in “Love & Mercy,” an otherwise fine film. I had attempted to get in contact with Pohlad to suggest a scene in which Brian is served a slice of whole wheat bread and Al’s wonderful butter before proceeding to berate the cello players for forgetting grape jam, but never made contact.

Some of you will complain that the accuracy of the film would have been degraded as events depicted were prior to Al’s “Butter Years” – I believe this is clear in Andrew G. Doe’s timeline – but Carol believes she was served the butter much earlier than the surviving evidence would suggest, and her accuracy in these matters has proved – well, not particularly good.

I say, away you facts, confound it! Is accuracy more important than a truly memorable breakfast? I think not.

[Hank Briarstem]

As to the influence of Al’s butter on the music, look no further than Brian’s sublime “Melt Away.”

[Douchepool]

Originally, Pitter Patter was secretly called Nutter Butter and had a laundry list of X-rated terminology in the lyrics. Understandably, it was censored for release.

[Cyncie]

Yes, but I'm just sorry the Broadway version of "Til I Die" was never fully choreographed. Brian's terpsichorean skills are well known, as his performances of "Sail On Sailor" attest. And, we know that Mike is the master of the audience point, and Bruce has mad mic adjusting skills. But, I've always wondered how Al, Carl and Dennis would have fared with box steps and jazz hands.

[Douchepool]

Al would have been doing his box steps and jazz hands whilst standing on top of a box. It's not easy being Al Jardine, shortest member of the group.

[Mike's Beard]

I doubt Al can legally use the words 'Beach Boys' and 'Butter' in any combination. He doesn't own the legal rights to either.

But what if he marketed his butter as a fine French delicacy and changed the name to:

Buerre du Plage Garcon

No dice, he would still be outvoted to 3-1 in the BRI corporate vote. The estate of Carl Wilson in particular are keen to avoid a 'moobs' scandal at any cost. How do you think the despised Mike Love was granted an exclusive licence over the beloved Al? Mike let it be known in BB insider circles to he 'had the goods' on Al and was prepared to 'dish the dirt' if need be. If you play the track Belles of Paris backwards you can sort of make out Mike making secret references to it.

[Mike's Beard]

Given that an unfortunate misunderstanding between me and a local traffic cop has me in some legal jeopardy, I will refrain from speculation, though I wish we still lived in a country where what a man churns he earns. Al’s butter is so terribly unrecognized. I find myself saddened.

I believe Carol Kaye gave testimony recently to the quality of the product. “Though the man never played a note in any Beach Boys session – I plucked the ‘rhythm guitar’ parts on a fire helmet someone left in the studio during a ‘Surfin’ Safari’ session, and Brian liked it so much he had me play on every recording – we all looked forward to a taste of Al’s delicious butter. We’d spread it on toast, or on special occasions, waffles.”

Carol will probably deny this fiction, but that makes Al’s butter no less a compelling and marketable product.

It seems clear that both Carol and I were disappointed that no reference was made to this dairy wonder in “Love & Mercy,” an otherwise fine film. I had attempted to get in contact with Pohlad to suggest a scene in which Brian is served a slice of whole wheat bread and Al’s wonderful butter before proceeding to berate the cello players for forgetting grape jam, but never made contact.

Some of you will complain that the accuracy of the film would have been degraded as events depicted were prior to Al’s “Butter Years” – I believe this is clear in Andrew G. Doe’s timeline – but Carol believes she was served the butter much earlier than the surviving evidence would suggest, and her accuracy in these matters has proved – well, not particularly good.

I say, away you facts, confound it! Is accuracy more important than a truly memorable breakfast? I think not.

You'll be heartened to know Hank that the Laserdisc release of Love & Mercy is to contain several butter related scenes, either as a Special Director's Cut or as deleted scenes.

[Hank Briarstem]

Fine scholarship, here! I had thought the facts regarding “Pitter Patter” were hidden to all but those of us in the “know,” as they say.

One should not be concerned about the terpsichorean prowess of either Dennis or Carl. It is not for nothing Joel Grey once told me, “Please don’t stand on my shoe.” He recognized Dennis’ innate grace and charming steps! While not the natural Dennis was, Carl was adept at “the old soft shoe,” as it was known in my youth, and was quite the tap dancer, once having won a third grade contest while dressed smartly as the Lone Ranger.

It is true that Al never danced – agriculture is his game – but Brian would have devised a solution, perhaps having Al serve refreshments to a rapt audience. And Blondie Chaplain has been referred to as “the Fred Astaire of rock,” though only here, as far as I know. I would love to have seen Ricky Fataar waltz! Imagine!

Carol Kaye claims, of course, that she created the wondrous choreography that illustrated “Shortenin’ Bread” in the non-existent music video, but Brian’s fingerprints – perhaps footprints! – were all over it. And David Marks laid waste to Carol’s claims in his indispensible “On Broadway with Brian.”

[Douchepool]

Nutter Butter was a secret sequel to the original version of I Wanna Pick You Up, which was called I Wanna Sex You Up.

[Hank Briarstem]

Fine news, Mike's Beard. Fine indeed. So you too have listened to "Belles of Paris" backward? I did so first purely by accident when I inadvertently plugged my car stereo into AC, badly burning my hand. But I have listened many times since and clearly hear Mike telling Al, "Careful what you spread." Or I believe the voice to be Mike's. Carol Kaye claims it is her voice.

[Howie Edelson]

Such silliness for (presumably) adults.

Amazed that there are actually SEVERAL people that would spend time doing "this" rather than simply looking at porn.

[Douchepool]

Michael was the devil voice heard in reverse on that track. In between words you could hear speeded-up passages of the Satanic Bible recited in fifty different Earth languages.