The Idiot's Guide to Collaborating with Brian Wilson

The first rule of collaborating with Brian Wilson is: Don't tell anyone you're collaborating with Brian Wilson. It's fine. He won't tell anyone either.

The second rule: You like Proud Mary? No? You will.

The third rule: You gave him your phone number? Obviously. What you might not understand is that, whilst Brian Wilson has no idea what day it is sometimes, he will now carry your phone number in his brain until the very day he dies. And may call you from across the world regardless of what time it is to either talk about that song you're working on, or the most banal trivia known to man.

The fourth rule: You may sweat and toil over these songs. You may sweat and toil trying to get Brian to work on them instead of recording another version of Proud Mary. Chord progressions slaved over. Lyrics dismissed. You may even be driven to write Mexican Girl. But just be prepared to have your entire efforts dismissed as 'Oh yeah, me and my collaborator [X] wrote those.' Brian does not care about such puny mortal concerns as effort.

The fifth rule: Being a vegetarian, that's workable. However, Brian might not understand the concept of 'Veganism'. Be prepared to see a lot of steakhouses, in any event.

The sixth rule: You will have to find the incredibly minute line between not being a nerd about Brian Wilson and comfortably second-guessing his every nonchalantly clueless move in the studio. I am not sure it exists.

The seventh rule: You do not push Brian Wilson to do things. If you insist, be prepared to see the man you once thought of as a genius shatter that illusion before your very eyes. Never have the words 'That's the take' struck quite so much fear into the hearts of men.

The eighth rule: In the event Brian does know what's going on in the studio that day, know your place. You may obviously compliment him. You may even offer positive criticism, even if that is 'that other song we wrote is better than Proud Mary, version nineteen'. However, if you go too far, Brian will flee to the ends of the earth to avoid you.

The ninth rule: If working with The Beach Boys too, don't worry. They're all as insane as he is. Just step back and let their craziness unfurl.

The tenth rule: Although he slurs his speech at points, takes a lot of naps, and only seems to be thinking about either steak, Proud Mary, the prettiest woman in the room, and what the hell he is doing here, always be sure of the possibility that Brian Wilson is fucking with you for no discernible reason. He knows what's up.

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