Hoping Pet Sounds will help save my marriage

[Alf64]

My wife moved out a couple weeks ago and took everything of hers(even legal documents) ???A couple days ago, I made a music CD for her using the following songs in this order:

Caroline No
You Still Believe In Me
I Know There's An Answer
God only knows
I Guess I Just Wasn't Made for these times

I mentioned to listen to it in the dark and when it is quiet.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that once again The music of The Beach Boys can pull me through a VERY tough time in my life.
 

[Aegir]

Good luck, man.

[Chris Brown]

My wife moved out a couple weeks ago and took everything of hers(even legal documents) ???A couple days ago, I made a music CD for her using the following songs in this order:

Caroline No
You Still Believe In Me
I Know There's An Answer
God only knows
I Guess I Just Wasn't Made for these times

I mentioned to listen to it in the dark and when it is quiet.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that once again The music of The Beach Boys can pull me through a VERY tough time in my life.
 

Best of luck!

[PMcC]

I'm betting it will....

[Shady]

Very nice choices..i used a few tunes from PS to get an ex of mine back, it worked..but her name was Caroline so ther was no way it couldn't.

[Alf64]

I guess it would also help if she WAS a Beach Boys fan. I am still waiting. All I got the following day was an email from her, not a call, saying "hey, just wanted to thank you for the cd. it was a sweet gesture. the choice of songs really meant a lot. I hope that you're doing ok, i'm trying to figure out what i want out of life right now. but i'm doing ok. take care." That is the last I have heard. Being respectful of "her space" I am waiting for her to make a decision one way or another.
   Boy I could really use a  I know all of you are probably thinking    But as sad as it is, this is the ONLY "social" part of my life. If you can even call it that.

[mikeyj]

Very nice choices..i used a few tunes from PS to get an ex of mine back, it worked..but her name was Caroline so ther was no way it couldn't.

That's lucky. Maby even if it was Carol it would still work too

Best of luck Alf.. Hope everything works out.

[Dancing Bear]

I think talking to her would be more useful for the relationship.

[Alf64]

Tried that already.  That is why I am using the CD to help. I hope this isn't going to end up like  and that she has already made her mind up, and is just being "nice" until the "papers" come in. Absolutely no way of knowing for sure. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs either. have never cheated on her. I guess nice guys DO finish last.

[SloopJohnB]

Best of luck Alf! 

I have to say that Dancing Bear's advice is probably the best one could give you. Talk to her, and to others - internet can be an addiction (I've been there), but nothing will ever replace real-world-interaction...

...nice guys DO finish last, though. 

[Alf64]

The talking thing has been done.  She said she needs time alone to figure out what she wants to do with her life. Effectively cutting off communication.  She also told me that "this" has been going on for 5 years now. And she has been planning this for a while too. Nice. Talking to "real world" frineds??? yeah right. I know absolutely NO ONE. I have been married to my wife since 1989 and dated her since 1987. So all the people I know are either her family or her friends. Which in a time like this leaves me totally defenseless. My family all live in NH. I can only call. But they are so mixed up with their lives, and also none of them are married. My parents divorced in 1982. Their approach is "you made your bed, now you have to lie in it" Nice. Old thinking. My wife on the other hand is getting both support and coaching from her family and friends. Who love to spur on a good soap opera. Some people might say "stand up to her". OK. the last tiem I tried that, she cut off the telephone on me. It took me 4 days to get it back. And a week and a half to get the phone line re-provisioned for DSL again. A real sweetheart if I TRY to stand up to her.

[NightHider]

"...needs time alone to figure out what she wants to do with her life." - now where have we heard that before?   

While it is VERY hard to realize at the time, most divorces are necessary for either or both parties to have a happy life.  Most times at this point there is so much baggage from the failed marriage that only those with steadfast determination and STRONG love can overcome the breakup.  It  takes hours and hours of willing and precise communication and also requires the open ears and hearts of both parties.  Already the odds stack.   Whether or not you stay in this particular relationship, you have your work cut  out for you.

I'm not telling you not to try.  If you love her, you owe it to yourself and her to be patient, understanding, flexible, etc.  However, don't drive yourself into depression over it.  Speaking from experience,  it can be much much easier and way more emotionally gratifying to start a new relationship with a new party than to stay in the old relationship and suffer the same old day to day and continue to lug all that old baggage around.  It takes a special kind of person to leave the old baggage behind to save the relationship and not everyone can get past it or even wants to get past it.  I've had some great relationships over the years, some great girls I hated to see go and others who crashed and burned shortly after just like I knew they would.  Either way, it takes two so you CANNOT do this by yourself.

Understand that this is brand new chance for you.  What more could you ask for in life than a new start when things were at their worst?  Take some time and make yourself better and stronger because of all this.  Understand FULLY why the relationship got to this point and accept responsibility for your contributions while recognizing her contributions.  Be patient with her but not at the cost of neglecting yourself.  And READ UP!!  I recommend the book, THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES for guys who really want/need to understand how to love and be loved with positive and lasting effect.  It takes MUCH more than just flowers and candy.  Love is not a Disney movie, it takes hard work to make a relationship last and only the love strength built in the good times will make love last thru the tough times.   

If you don't have any friends/potential dates, create some.  There are great single girls everywhere and they are all looking for a GOOD man. But first take the time to ensure that you are indeed a GOOD man.  Join a hiking club, softball team, meditation group, or another group related to your interests - a Beach Boys local chapter perhaps .  Do something for yourself you've always wanted to do(get in better shape, buy a motorcycle, run a marathon, read more, etc).  This will give you some focus and the results of these endeavors will make you more well balanced and attractive to her/others as opposed to the effects of suffering/depression over being alone. 

The key here is to not live in regret.  Be strong.  DON'T make youself a victim.  DON'T feel sorry for yourself.  If you did things with her that you knew were wrong, find out what drove the behaviour and change it.  If she did things that neglected or hurt you, ask yourself "Don't I deserve to be treated better?"  This is your big chance to review who you are and what you stand for.  Be there for her but this is YOUR time to figure things out too.  Use it wisely.

I didn't see you mentioned if you had kids at home or not but if you do, that is a whole 'nother five paragraphs...



 

[Shane]

My best friend went through a bad period of time with his then-girlfriend.  It was the same experience as yours... she broke up with him suddenly, and was freaking out because she "needed to figure out what she wants in life".  My best friend tried everything he could to bring her back to him... phone calls, emails, text messages, talking with her friends and close family members, etc etc.  A month went by, with absolutely no progress. 

My friend's father told him, "You've done all you can, and its not working.  What you need to do is just to leave her alone.  She can't miss you or realize what life is like without you when you're always in her face!  Just give her some space, give her the chance to miss you, and she'll come back."

This is the single best piece of relationship break-up advice I have ever heard.  I've used it many times.  Just absolutely disappear, as far as she's concerned.  Concern yourself with other healthy activities.  It really puts the ball in your court when she comes back, totally missing you. 

And my best friend and his girlfriend?  They're now married.     

[Alf64]

 I'll address you both in one mesage. First we have no human children. 5 indoor cats and a dog. When she left she took the dog and 2 of the cats. Leaving my "boy"  Simba screwed up. He cries for his 2 brothers all the time. I can only sleep for 2 hours at a time before he starts crying again. THAT breaks me up!  I feel REALLY bad for him. I can't tell him if his buddies will ever be back.  This is STILL going on even though she left a couple of weeks ago. The other 2 cats are fine with the others gone.

 As for taking care of myself. I have absolutely NO social life whatsoever. I never have. I only went to work and came home. If I went anywhere it was to the store for supplies. When I got married, we would see her family and her friends. I have never had anyone to help me in person to show me how to meet people. I am terribly shy and reclusive. (which REALLY doesn't help the matter now) Heck I met my wife on a blind date that a guy I knew many years ago set up. I would LOVE to find any lady that is even interested in me. I have looked at several online social network sites. Nobody around here. The Internet, unfortunately, is my ONLY social enviroment.

 I am trying hard to use Shane's philosophy. I believe that too. But when you have been together sooo long, lonelines can really bring me down. No I do not call her at work, or visit the camper. I only will go to her office if there is mail that is for her that isn't junk mail. That's it. I have been the one extending the "olive branch" to her. No extending of it back yet. No calls or ANYONE showing up just to see if I'm alive. Sad that I could die, and I highly doubt anyone would notice for a long time. Scary thought. She is, I'm sure quite comfortable at our camper. She has her mom's camper behind her, and her dad's widdow (who helped her move out while I was at work that night) walking distance across the road in another campground. It is like I have "the plague" or something. No one ever even seems to really care about me.

 Our relationship was never a "controling" one. Either way. After my sister Pam died on 7/16/06 in a tragic car crash, and I got laid off from my job a month later, and My only so-called person I could communicate anything to (my brother) cutting me out of his life forever in a VERY nasty email slamming me with everything I ever confided with him in and closing it by calling me a F****** loser!, And my wife's dad dying of cancer at his camper with my wife right there. Now you have a better perspective.

[Shane]

Yikes.  It sounds like there is a lot of unhealthyness and pain going on in your family... no doubt there are reasons why the people around you (your wife and brother) are pushing you away.  There needs to be some serious communication between all the people involved, when the time is right.  I'm not sure if the time is right, right now.   

[roll plymouth rock]

I don't mean to be a downer, but you might want to listen to the song Here Today from Pet Sounds.

It sucks that good things don't always last, but even the most beautiful music won't change that.

I just got out of a long relationship a few months ago and was really hurt at time and couldn't see past my hurt feelings, but the more I dwelled on them, the worse it felt. I put my energy into new things and it has been working out well, and served to take my focus away from being lonely. If your life is devoid of meaning/purpose/social life or what have you, pack up town and start a new life somewhere...it could be your destiny, who knows? Seriously though, if there is so little tying you down, just go for it and do something totally unpredictable and new, it might help you break out of that shell

[Alf64]

  I think I already am taking your advice "loveand mercy". I am throwing myself back into the videography. I am in communication with "the powers that be" as of this week. I am working with them in whatever capacity they want me to go with it. but so far... (don't get hopes up)... all lights are GREEN They have now 2 copies and all the details of all the components. We'll see where it is headed from here. one small step at a time.

[Dr. Tim]

OK, OK, we're way off topic here, so I'll say: whatever you do, don't have "God Only Knows" on repeat play; it's a pretty song, but in your state, not one to go jumping off a bridge to.

This will sound "cold" but it is assuredly not meant that way:  take as a given that "time alone for awhile" means "time alone forever" and be guided accordingly.  If this has been festering for 5 years nothing you can do now will fix it.  Assume it's busted.  Get your grieving out of the way now so you can get it past you, rather than hold out false hope for reconciliation, which will be a bigger crash for you when it doesn't happen.

Reading these posts it looks like you were too shy or caught up in work (plus being isolated where you are) to pay enough attention to her/do things with her - or so she thinks, whether she's right or not doesn't matter, it's what she thinks.  You can't change that.  What's her fault is letting it fester for so long without speaking up.  Now that's fixed solid in her head.  Don't beat yourself up about that, learn from it.  Don't let it happen next time.

While what follows may sound patronizing, it isn't and this is meant sincerely.  Yes what's happening is painful, there's no denying that.  But the fact you have no children is a major major plus here.  They're usually the big losers in these things, and no matter how "amicable" the split (har har har), you would always be joined at the hip forever by that biological tie, no matter how things otherwise shook out.  In that sense you're fortunate: you guys just have to split up what you have and be done.  It may not be split up fairly but in the end you're only dealing with stuff.  At least in your case you can get some finality, which doesn't sound like a good deal now but you will appreciate having it some time from now.

[Alf64]

  Thanks "Dr. Tim" or is it "Dr. Phil"? Anyway, at this time I am simply waiting to see what her next move is. I am living in the house alone. ( with the 3 cats she left me) Continuing my job. I can only wait at this point. I am not a radical person. And at 42, I simply want stability and security. I don't want to "jump the gun" and pre-assume what her "true" motives are. Since at this point with her, her friends and family, is like trying to find out the "truth" about UFO's from the government. Total secrecy and false-truths.

[NightHider]

Alf64 -  Wondering how the 'situation' and your holidays were going?  Talk to us....