I recall my last interview with Mike Love, though he didn’t participate. That’s Mike. When he isn’t participating, he simply isn’t participating. I’m reminded of Verna and that night in Barcelona, when she didn’t participate. Ah death, where is thy sting! We return to the bar again next time, amply fueled by rejection.
Mike would have been dressed in natty chinos, a color-splashed Tommy Bahama tropical shirt, John the Baptist sandals, an orchid beret and an ironic chastity belt – bountiful rings. 7-Up to sip, spiked with V-8. A Mars bar.
HB: Michael, so good to have this sit-down. It’s been too long. How are you?
ML: Do I know you?
HB: Kidder. I’ll get right to the interview. Quite an enticing Mars bar… No? Perhaps hunger will train my mind as we cover some very important ground – your life as a Beach Boy.
ML: How did you get in here?
HB: Never mind me, young man! You’re the subject du jour! You have toured as a Beach Boy for substantial parts of six decades. What is your best memory?
ML: I feel as if I should call security.
HB: So you feel secure on the road… and no wonder! You are a consummate entertainer!
ML: It’s all about positive vibes. The lyrics to Good Vibrations say it all – excitations.
HB: What do you say to the charge that you once kept Brian Wilson locked in a cellar, only root vegetables and hardtack to eat, for the better part of five years?
ML: What?
HB: I need you to focus. At what point did you think it fair for you to claim credit for lyric contributions that frankly you had made?
ML: From the beginning…
HB: So you admit that you always wanted to be credited for your own lyrics! Insightful. Very.
ML: If you had contributed to valuable…
HB: So you say it’s all about the money?
ML: I don’t believe that’s what I…
HB: You sure you’re planning to eat that Mars bar?
ML: Can we stick to the interview?
HB: When did you first implicate Brian in the Manson murders?
ML: Huh?
??
HB: Do you acknowledge that your on-stage dance moves and gestures are, shall we say, a bit odd?
ML: Would you get your grubby hands away from my Mars Bar?
HB: Now Michael, I am the interviewer and you the interviewee. I believe that makes me the questioner.
ML: Security!
HB: Yes, to me that’s the comforting theme of so much of Brian’s music – an insecure man determined to employ his musical gifts to make the listener feel loved and secure. Why do you hate Brian?
ML: I don’t hate my cousin! Where do you come off? I have known Brian since childhood!
HB: I hardly think it’s constructive to refer to Brian as a child.
ML: I didn’t…
HB: In a parallel universe, where do you think the gas station at which you are still pumping fuel would be located?
ML: This is the most ridiculous…
HB: How dare you tour?
ML: Look chump…
HB: Michael, can you not understand how a Brian Wilson fan might be upset at the idea of you singing Fun, Fun, Fun while knowing the great man is home watching Wheel of Fortune?
ML: Brian enjoys game shows.
HB: So this is a game to you?
ML: What are you implying?
HB: When did it first occur to you to steal Brian’s legacy?
ML: I never…
HB: As early as 1964?
ML: The Beach Boys are a band, and all of its members…
HB: So Brian is unimportant?
ML: Who said that?
HB: But we have been sitting here for 6 minutes and 22, make it 23, seconds, and you have not offered a single word of praise for your meal ticket, er, cousin!
ML: Brian is America’s greatest living composer and a pop music genius.
HB: But he falls short, in your mind, as an entertainer?
ML: This is ridiculous!
HB: That is the thanks you give Brian for saving you from a life of unfiltered Camel cigarettes and refrigerator repair? You call him ridiculous?
ML: Look you bloviating alcoholic!
HB: I can’t understand why this must be personal.
ML: You’ve insinuated yourself into my life and made the most absurd charges…
HB: Why did you sleep with Marilyn?
ML: I never!
HB: Then it was Al Jardine?
ML: Al Jardine never slept with Marilyn!
HB: But you slept with Al Jardine! And when your little romance cratered, you tossed him from the band!
ML: Are you on drugs?
HB: Always with the drugs… No discussion with you about Brian Wilson can avoid that subject, it seems. I notice you haven’t touched the Mars bar…
ML: Look, if I give you this candy bar will you get out of here and never make me see your ugly…
HB: This is delicious! Now where were we?
ML: You were leaving.
HB: Ah yes! Um, where was I going?
ML: How would I now?
HB: I must have mentioned something.
ML: Is this some kind of joke? Am I on Candid Camera? That’s it! Hey, this will make a great segment. Is Stamos in on this?
HB: Can we agree that you are the devil incarnate?
ML: Hey John! Good luck with Fuller House!
HB: Do you still find Brian to be a third-rate singer?
ML: This is really hilarious! Any idea when this piece will air? I think you ought to consider getting some footage of Johnston being ambushed. His shorts alone will get a lot of laughs.
HB: An entire interview all about Mike, Mike, Mike. I think we have all we need. No wonder Brian couldn’t complete Smile. It’s a wonder he finished Pet Sounds.
ML: Man, I’ve never been on Candid Camera! Far out!
HB: You don’t have another Mars bar?