RIP MITCH HEDBERG

[Jonas]

Mitch died a year ago...here are some great quotes:

I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzeria ... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "f*** it. Cut 'em up!"

I bought a doughnut from a store and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money, then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under D... for doughnut"

I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again," because apparently they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me — "C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait — Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

I have a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications...I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too!" When I was a kid, I used to lie awake in my twin-sized bed wonderin' where my brother was...

I went to see a heavy metal band in New York...called Monster Magnet. Man, they were heavy, boy. The lead singer got on the monitor, and he said, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question. "Yes, I do feel like a human. I do not feel like a tree."

more here: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

I use the word "totally" too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. "Mitch, do you like subway sandwiches?" "All-encompassingly."

[b.dfzo]

Anybody who has not heard of Mitch Hedberg before is missing out on some great stuff.  Check out these videos, this is SFW - I wont say the same for his two CDs .

http://www.zippyvideos.com/2925746001537396/mitchccpresents1/

http://www.zippyvideos.com/5830217941537466/mitchccpresents2/

http://www.zippyvideos.com/2832902501537486/mitchccpresents3/

[scooter]

The Comedy Central show was beyond hysterical...Did a Mitch inpression a couple of days later--an accidental,spur of the moment kinda thing--nailed it, broke the wife up...Saw him Live in DC, not so much as a chuckle from either of us,  dunno why...thanx for the quotes, BTW...

[b.dfzo]

I found myself doing impressions of Mitch, believe it or not.  My friends were cracking up uncontrollably, but I couldn't string them along.  I gave them some MP3s of his stuff, and they went nuts over it.  "Saved by the buoyancy of citrus!"  Next to Napoleon Dynamite and Jack Handy, Mitch is one of those extremely quotable funny guys.

[Mitchell]

A friend of mine recently started quoting him.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know, I'm like, "Hey, hold on fellas, lemme hold one of yous... and feed you a leaf."

[b.dfzo]

This is turning into a great thread.

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

[Mitchell]

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that the map will not fall down.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly...

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one's the real hero?

[b.dfzo]

"I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut.  I don't need a receipt for the doughnut.  I give you money and you give me the doughnut; end of transaction.  We don't need to bring ink and paper into this.  I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut.  To some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here.  Oh, wait, It's in my file cabinet at home. Under 'D'.  For 'Doughnut'."”

[the captain]

He was from my hometown, Minneapolis. No other comment. Just a hometown hurrah.