Based on the success of ObamaCare, I give you ObamaGas! You can't call it BeanBagGas, cuz I thought of it first. And I get to name it.Why should the richest country in the world not have free gas for its citizens?
How come (insert european country) has free gas, but America doesn't?
R U Tired of Big Oil Executives, but not yet tired of Big Government?
Well then... have I got the solution for you! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Affordable Gas Act
Somebody else will work out the details, I'm sure. But just in case you're wondering... it could go a little something like this... (cue dream music)How does it work?
First, just go to ObamaGas.gov
. Sign up. Don't be afraid. Don't listen to those Republicans. Just do it. If the site doesn't work, call me. I'll fix it. Just for you. So just sign up?
Yes, and tell us a little bit about yourself. How often you drive. What you drive. Where you go when you drive. Why you didn't take the bus. How much you weigh. Do you ride a bike? You know, the basic questions you get asked when you buy gas today.Uh, ok. Then I get it?
Well, no. Then you shop for a plan. And buy one.A plan? How much is the cheapest ObamaGas plan?
$7,000 a year for an individual. $13,000 for a couple. $20,000 for a family of four.But what if I have a family of 5?
See an ObamaGas helper. They will have you consult with a family planner (click for forms
). There's likely a Planned Parenthood office in your nearest city. This will be easier if you have ObamaCare. If you don't have ObamaCare yet, click here
.Ok, I bought my plan... how do I get my free ObamaGas?
Easy. Anywhere you go, you can get gas. Just wave your ObamaGas card in the air, like it was a gun, in front of the attendant.What If The Attendant Doesn't Accept My ObamaGas Card?
Tell us who he is. And where to find him. And an IRS agent will be assigned to his case.IRS? Gosh, I don't want to hurt the guy...
No one will get hurt. It will be in his best interest to accept your ObamaGas card.Will the Gas Station be compensated for the gas I took but didn't pay for
If they participate in an ObamaGas exchange, then maybe. It's likely that they will be given a portion of what we deem the appropriate value.Isn't that stealing?
No. We decide who to prosecute. Not you.But how will they stay in business?
That's not our concern. Besides, businesses are mean, oil-companies are bad and profits are wrong.But if the gas station closes, where will I go?
Details forthcoming. Click here to sign up to be notifiedOk, um. Can I keep my current car, if I like it?What?!
Who told you that? Yes! If you like your car, you can keep it. Period.I'm hearing that millions have lost their current car and are being forced to buy "approved," budget-level, rent-a-cars
Only a very small percentage. It's meaningless. Very small. Tiny.But the rent-a-cars smell. And they are smaller then the nice big family cars that they needed and had before
Stop watching FoxNews. -- and they're way more expensive!
Stop. Watching. Fox. News!!!But why should anyone pay more for less?
Stop listening to Rush Limbaugh.Ok, I've turned off my radio and my television -- but I think my ObamaGas plan is costing me more than what I used to pay in gas!
Everybody needs to contribute. Once everybody is forced into a plan and a fuel-efficient vehicle -- it will all be free. Because that's what's right
.But I thought everybody didn't need to change or buy an ObamaGas plan -- and did you just say forced into a different car?
You don't listen. You can keep your plan and your car.Wait, what?
Listen. All the funding needed for ObamaGas will come from fines. Rich people, probably. From all people who don't have my gas plans. We'll raise the prices at the pump, too. So they buy a plan. And the CBO says we'll have enough funds from these ObamaGas plans they buy... for like a ka-jillion years. What's so hard to understand?How is it free, then -- we're all paying. And paying more!
Some will be paying more. Some not. I don't know. Did you sign up yet!!?But my previous gas plan was to just buy gas when I needed it?
That's not a gas plan, anymore. So you must pay a fine. Click here to pay fineOk, ok. Um... what if, what if... I get gas from my employer?
If that plan meets the guidelines mandated under the Affordable Gas Act, then that's ok. You can keep your plan.But nobody's current employer-based gas plan meets these new standards! I mean, look at these standards! The gas cannot pollute? It must get 700 mpg? It must taste like chocolate!?! WTF? And what is this about my gas must provide my teenage daughter with an adequate means of birth control!!?? I don't even have a daughter!!
I guess you lose your plan. So what. Pay the fine. I don't know. What do you want from me!But gas prices have sky-rocketed since the passage of the AGA. I can't afford gas!! What do I do?
Sign up.But I can't afford the plans!The number you are trying to dial 1-800-YOU-LOSE, is incorrect. Hello? Hello?Please hang up the phone and try again.