Beach Boys' Christmas Tale

Happy New Year, Bruce Johnston! (from 2002)

Bruce was lounging around his house, enjoying his Christmas vacation.
After calling all of his friends and reminding them that he wrote "I
Write the Songs" and that it sold 10 million copies and won a Grammy®,
he became bored and decided to check next year's tour schedule. He got
out his pocket calendar. It was already turned to December, so Bruce
flipped it over, expecting to see January. But, what Bruce saw instead,
horrified him and sent his whole world into disarray. For what Bruce
saw was...NOTHING!! Absolutely nothing! He let out a shriek that would
have made Jamie Lee Curtis jealous. Bruce knew at once what he had to
do. He had to save the world and he would have to do it by himself.

You see, Bruce was expecting to see the month of January after December,
but his calendar ended at December. So, naturally, Bruce assumed that
the end of time had come and the world would end after December 31. He
also figured that Saddam Hussein must have something to do with it. So,
he called up the U.N. and alerted them that the weapons inspectors in
Iraq should be on the lookout for a "calendar-ender thing that makes
calendars end, therefore ending all of time and, subsequently, the
world!"

Next, Bruce called up Mike Love and told him the bad news.
"This is why I keep you around, Bruce," said Mike, quietly laughing at his dim-witted
(yet talented) friend.

Then, Bruce got on the internet and posted a message on the Beach Boys
Britain board detailing the impending horrors. Of course, everyone
there submits to Bruce and lingers on his every word, so soon widespread
panic spread through all of Britain and the military was commanded to
launch a full force attack on Iraq.

After that, Bruce called up Brian Wilson.
"How'd you get my number, man?!" asked Brian.

"I'm sorry, Brian, but the world is ending and I wanted to apologize for
something I did to you many years ago."

"Forget about it, Bruce," said Brian. "We were young and we were just
experimenting. It doesn't mean that we're g..."

"Not that!" yelled Bruce. "I feel guilty about stealing 'I Write the
Songs' from you. I grabbed it while you were sleeping in your room for
three years. I'm sorry, Brian, but I really wanted to have a hit song."

"It's okay, Bruce," said Brian. "Since the end of the world is coming,
we'll just call it even."

Finally, Bruce called up Al Jardine. After Bruce frantically explained
to Al about the dire situation, Al responded in his typical
straight-forward manner.

"Cool it, Bruce. You're an idiot, man. The world isn't ending..."

But, then, something occurred to Al. If he could convince Bruce that
the world was in fact ending and the proper thing to do in that kind of
situation would be to kill himself and take out Mike Love, too, then he
could have the sole rights to The Beach Boys name. With that, Al could
go back on tour and make millions.

"You know, Bruce," said Al, "you're making a lot of sense. But, I'm not
gonna let no terrorist take me out, no sir. I'm going to kill myself
and die with honor. If you had any sense, you'd do the same thing and
take Mike with you. I'm just saying it's the heroic thing to do, that's
all."

"Wow," Bruce thought, "I could be a hero.''

So, Bruce rushed to Mike's house with the intention of expiring himself
and Mike. But, when he got there, he saw Brian, Al and Mike all waiting
for him, along with several other friends and associates. They were
having a party and when the saw Bruce, they all gave him a big cheer.

"Happy New Year, Bruce Johnston!" they sang in unison.

"What's wrong with you people? Don't you know the world is ending?!"
cried Bruce.

"Oh, Bruce, you silly goose," said Mike. "We were just kidding around
with you. We rigged your calendar so that you would think that. Of
course, we didn't plan on Britain invading Iraq like they did, but that
was icing on the cake. Saved us some trouble."

"You mean, the world isn't ending tomorrow?" asked Bruce.

"No, Bruce, you're just an idiot," replied Al.

Then they all had a good laugh.
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