Why You're Wrong (And I'm Right)

It's tiresome explaining myself again and again, piecemeal, to correct this or that of you on whatever musical topic is at hand. So I've decided to handle it once and for all.

Some of you are too damn old. You're stuck on your same old reference points, insisting that everything compare or contrast to some grand favorite of yours from before I was born. While those acts are valid and valuable, your use of them as defining the context of everything else--things that are of a wholly different context, means you're entirely missing the point on everything coming after your particular cultural cutoff.

Others of you are too damn young. You don't know anything and your ignorance offends the learned. Your concept of history is laughable, and most of your analysis is verbatim from liner notes or documentaries. When you reach back, it's usually in a sad attempt at distinguishing yourself from your pop-culture peers, as if the outsider status were valuable and modernity were not.

Why can't you be my age?

Further, quite a few of you seem to be from some far-off city. You're undeniably biased, having come of age in your particular set of circumstances. Hell, some of you are from a different country altogether. What the hell is that? Obviously, you've missed half of the cultural milestones that create a full understanding of the musical landscape--that much is obvious from half those bands you talk about, bands with funny names and members with funnier names still. (Fucking foreigners.)

I pity those of you who had no older siblings. You've missed out entirely on that opportunity to observe and absorb what came immediately before your time, and thus to rebel against it (only to later find its value). What did you do, stumble around blindly? Wasted years.

Then there is the little matter of your educations. Seems to me that most of you didn't even spend a few years formally training in music before realizing there were other things that would be more realistic, financially speaking, and thus you're lacking that base entirely. No technical understanding whatsoever.

Others of you went on, education-wise, or even ended up making music as a profession. How the hell do you expect to be objectively correct with respect to music when you're so caught up in it? And half of you are so technical, you've lost what matters in music.

I guess what it all comes down to is, if you'd spend a few moments thinking about it, you'd see that while most of you have certain of the aforementioned (and other) flaws and biases, I'm uniquely positioned to offer objective truth in musical analysis. You're welcome.

P.S., this works for religion and politics, too.