I have the SMiLE disease

[nobody]

I've had SMiLE disease since a child.
SMiLE disease is where you can't or don't complete artistic endeavors.
I come from a family of amateur painters and amateur musicians.
I've dabbled in both hobbies through the years.
I don't think there's ANYTHING I've completed.
I begin, then lose interest.
Or I begin, do something wrong, and lose interest.
Unfinished work is my life story.
I just began making revisions to a painting, then lost interest.
It's like ... I just feel like "Why am I doing this when doing nothing is more meaningful to me?"
So I drop it.

Really, it's true.
I don't consider artistic endeavor for me personally to mean much.
For others, sure, and I enjoy their work.
But for me? No, no way.
I think that's why I am and have been so interested in meditation.
Total non-doing!
I'm only hanging around waiting to die, anyway, so I might as well do nothing.
I start feeling sick when I make any effort towards some goal like that.
It's too involved in a way, straying too far from myself.
I like to be centered and just dive into the Void.
Painting, playing, all those things seem so pointless in comparison for me.

Here's something interesting: when I played music, and I played with others, I secretly would wish, no ardently desire, that whatever we did would fail. I took great pleasure in things going wrong, in things not working out. I'd purposely not finish creations and projects and then secretly laugh as others complained or were dismayed.

I like it, but I don't like it.
I like that deep down I don't feel that incompleteness that forces me to create.
But also I don't feel so full that I need to pour out a creation like a song of my being.
I'm content to just be silent, not saying anything, not thinking anything, not doing anything...
I think it was Lao Tzu who said that 'The Ten Thousand Things rush about, I only wait for their return".
Something like that, but I know what he means.
Every day, all the activity, only to return to deep sleep.
I don't think we sleep to get refreshed, I think we do activity to prepare for sleep.
I have a lot to do today! I want to have a great sleep tonight, gimme some work!
That's how I view life, you know.
Life and Death, Waking and Sleeping.
We all love sleep, I love death.
I see life as a temporary period of commotion until I can slip into the womb of death, the Void.
Actually, in truth, we can enter death right now, but not the death we will know when the body expires.
That is the silver cord being cut, so to speak, otherwise it's like a rope extending into the Black Hole.

[nobody]

currently enjoying a bowl of ice cream to celebrate my incomplete project

yay!

(okay, i agree, i am getting a bit bloggy now, but the Sandbox sucks big dix from what i can tell so wh ocares)

[SloopJohnB]

I'm wondering, what is your astrological sign?

[nobody]

I'm wondering, what is your astrological sign?

Gemini

[SloopJohnB]

I would have bet $100 on that! I'm not exactly a firm believer in astrology, but it's a subject I'm interested in and I've noticed that most Geminis (myself included) have the same problem.

The key sentence is "I begin, then lose interest." That's what Geminis are all about, they always want (no, they need !) to discover/study/do new things. Once they understand those things, they become as interesting as an old sock to them.

It's both a blessing and a burden. 


(oh, and in case you didn't know it, Brian was a Gemini too...!)

[Manchini]

I'm a Gemini too (for what it's worth...I don't know about all that stuff).  I also have a huge problem finishing projects, and furthermore, I'm a really really really slow worker. 

Right now I'm producing a short film that I wrote in May.  So in 4 1/2 months, all I've done is cast 9 actors, held a couple read-throughs, and bought a few costumes.  What a disappointment.  Maybe y'all are the same way, but I'm also obsessive about things so now I'm focusing on channeling my obsessiveness toward my work ethic and ability to complete this project.  At least I can say that, while the movie is going slowly, it is going steadily.

For me, it's important to want to work.  The recent Woody Allen movie, Whatever Works, was meaningful to me because the point is, life can be a big letdown and full of turmoil sometimes, so you'd better find what distracts you and gives you a modicum of comfort and just indulge in it.  "Creation" is a healthy indulgence, the way I see it.

[Aegir]

I'm a Cancer and I have the same problem.

[nobody]

I would have bet $100 on that! I'm not exactly a firm believer in astrology, but it's a subject I'm interested in and I've noticed that most Geminis (myself included) have the same problem.

The key sentence is "I begin, then lose interest." That's what Geminis are all about, they always want (no, they need !) to discover/study/do new things. Once they understand those things, they become as interesting as an old sock to them.

It's both a blessing and a burden. 


(oh, and in case you didn't know it, Brian was a Gemini too...!)

Interesting. I've never seriously looked into astrology. I think it's because I'm afraid it might all be true or just a fairly accurate system in a way and then become dependent on it. I'm the same way with personality disorders - I know that I would be diagnosed as having one in particular and perhaps overlap into some others but the more I read into it the more I find myself allowing it to be a limitation, something to hold me down instead of celebrating the strangeness and making it work in new ways.

I meant what I said about the whole losing interest thing. Literally been happening my whole life. I failed through school and never went to college or anything because of it. I failed 10th grade English with a 27% (LOL) because I didn't do any of the research papers. Way too much silly bullshit for me, too many note cards and crap. Good times.

The problem creeps up elsewhere too. If I mow the lawn, I get one side done and then have to very seriously fight the urge to abandon the mower and leave the work undone. I also make plans to do small things, housework, and rarely get around to it.

[SloopJohnB]

I'm a Cancer and I have the same problem.

Well, Geminis obviously aren't the only ones to have that problem, but from what I've read and noticed myself, most Geminis have it, whereas people born under other signs are less likely to have it!

[nobody]

my birth date is June14

(i now expect presents, thank you)