The Smiley Smile Message Board

It was in 1972, I believe, though it could have been any random year between 1946, and quite honestly, today. So much has merged, collapsed into a morass of “same.” One box of Morton’s Salt is another box of Morton’s Salt, and don’t get me started on pepper, Sergeant. Am I to construe that the check bounced? An error of subtraction.

I was approached about an album project for Al Jardine – “The Many Moods of Al Jardine.” It was suggested that an EP might work best, as Al isn’t a moody guy. I proposed a single to include “My Mood is Excellent” and “I’m in a Very Good Mood.” I wondered whether tracks consisting entirely of sleigh bells and jangly tambourines could work, whether it would be commercial. Al could hum over the track, I thought – “Passing By” meets “It’s a Sunshine Day,” with a bridge whistled by Bruce Johnston.

I awakened to realize this might have been a dream – though it was difficult to tell as I had fallen asleep in my street clothes, including top hat, and could theoretically have traveled some distance without being arrested. Unwilling to let Al down, I made a couple of phone calls, both of which oddly ended with Al saying “Who is this?” then hanging up. Or perhaps we had a poor connection. After all, Al lives in rather rural circumstances and churns his own butter.

Frankly this incident has nagged at me to this day, though not in the nasty, incriminating manner of Mary Ethyl, my erstwhile fiancé who disappeared one fateful day with my furniture and personal belongings, save a small wooden chair, the master of “He Gives Speeches” and a pack of Juicy Fruit gum, in the latter of which a single blade remained.

While as a soloist Al might be best known for his obsession with the PT Cruiser and for “A Postcard from California” – which I still feel would have been a major hit had it been modernized as “An Instagram from Simi Valley” – history could be different. Suppose “The Many Moods of Al Jardine” been released, complete with a coupon for free Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.

I discussed this once with Brian Wilson, though after an insightful and frankly emotional 40-minute phone call, I was chagrined to realize I had dialed a Long Beach Pizza Hut in error. Odd and beyond bizarre coincidence that the assistant manager would also have been named Brian!

Chalk this up to another missed Beach Boys opportunity, or as Michael Edward Love once said, “Chalk this up to another missed Beach Boys opportunity.”

Alas I find myself incontinent and must shower. I am willing to entertain questions about this lost project, but only while I’m awake and not enthralled in my favorite episode of “Adam 12,” the one set in the squad car.

This is just further proof that Al wanted the innocence.

How Al longed for the innocence! The bitterest pill of his career – Bruce Johnston’s having copped “Disney Girls (1957)” from him while he was playing Strat-O-Matic Baseball with Jack Rieley. Bruce denies this, and rightly so, as it isn’t true. Yet it ought to have been true!

Al hasn’t a mean bone in his body. He thought only of clean teeth and healthy gums. He longed to rid the world of gingivitis. But music called. Would that David Marks had behaved on tour!

Al, whose favorite instrument is the piccolo, who watches “McClintock!” again and again merely to hear Jerry Van Dyke strum the banjo, who still dons the Beach Boys striped shirt daily as he slops the hogs! Al, who truly thought Susie Cincinnati was driving the band to Friday night bingo and who begged Brian Wilson to recast “Til I Die” as a bright, bouncy, Broadway-style number!

Forgive me as the exclamation point key on my keyboard seems to have run amuck – but who cannot exclaim when waxing of Al Jardine’s innocence. While his suggestion to Mike Love that “The Wheels on the Bus Go Round & Round” be incorporated in the live show cost him his spot in the touring band, Al stayed true to himself, as should we all.

Viva Al Jardine! And Viva Innocence! Now a noontime toddy – J&B, I think!

I have a couple questions, Hank. I didn't know that Al churns his own butter (I'm not surprised, however). Is this butter available for resale? Does he ever dabble in truffle butter?

Among the poor decisions made through the years by BRI, the call to forbid Al from selling his freshly churned butter under the name “Brother Butter” with artwork depicting the Beach Boys holding freshly buttered rolls and including the words “I wish it all could be California butter” might have been the worst, at least from a commercial standpoint. There was money to be made, and I'm not talking Monopoly money. While some would leap to blame this decision on Mike Love, the truth is Mike loves Al’s butter and slathers himself in it before stage appearances. No, this one was down to the “suits” and to the stodgy men inside them.

I don’t believe Al would market his butter under another name, though my understanding is that Bruce Johnston proposed “Wilojarston’s Best Spread.” I personally prefer "Butter Jardine," but Al is adamant this not be seen as a break from the rest of the band. Lately he has become unaware of current circumstances and has twice been caught trying to take the stage with an oboe at Love/Johnston Beach Boys concerts.

As to your question regarding truffle butter, might I plead confidentiality clauses in certain documents and the all-seeing legal eye of BRI? No? Well then, let me merely plead innocence in the matter.

I heard that the band offered to pay Landy in butter for his services in '76. Landy almost went for it as well, but a nasty industry rumour that the butter was derived from not cows milk but Carl's moobs put a kibosh on the deal at the eleventh hour.

Apparently there is some confusion because Carl Wilson regularly referred to Landy, during the latter’s second and disastrous tour of duty, as “Moobs.” Landy was flattered, actually, thinking Carl to be referring to him as “Moogs,” and thus fancying that the Beach Boys saw him as a musician of sorts. That led to the following, interesting exchange that I recorded in my bestseller, “Big Sir (Contradicting the Beach Boys),” which would be out of print, no doubt, had it ever been in print –
Carl: “Get outta my face, Moobs.”

Landy: “Moogs! I like it!”

Carl: “Moobs!”

Landy: “I am teaching myself to play.”

Carl: “You idiot.”

Landy: “Is that from “The Many Moogs of Murry Wilson”?

Carl: “Ever had a noogie, Moogie?”

Landy: “Why, no… aagh!!!”

The exchange became the subject of Carl’s unreleased song, “Noogin’ the Nazi,” which might have been released had it existed.

I doubt Al can legally use the words 'Beach Boys' and 'Butter' in any combination. He doesn't own the legal rights to either.

But what if he marketed his butter as a fine French delicacy and changed the name to:

Buerre du Plage Garcon

If he is only going for the French market he may as well go with 'Beach Boys Butter'. Everyone knows the french are ignorant of the group (and just about everything else) if the truth be known.

The French also smell, so their butter will probably have armpit hair.

Has the butter element influenced BBs' lyrics down the years?

"Pat, pat, pat, (etc) on her but(ter), she's going to sleep…"

Etc?

Pat, pat, patter on her butt, butter...she's going to sleep."

Given that an unfortunate misunderstanding between me and a local traffic cop has me in some legal jeopardy, I will refrain from speculation, though I wish we still lived in a country where what a man churns he earns. Al’s butter is so terribly unrecognized. I find myself saddened.

I believe Carol Kaye gave testimony recently to the quality of the product. “Though the man never played a note in any Beach Boys session – I plucked the ‘rhythm guitar’ parts on a fire helmet someone left in the studio during a ‘Surfin’ Safari’ session, and Brian liked it so much he had me play on every recording – we all looked forward to a taste of Al’s delicious butter. We’d spread it on toast, or on special occasions, waffles.”

Carol will probably deny this fiction, but that makes Al’s butter no less a compelling and marketable product.

It seems clear that both Carol and I were disappointed that no reference was made to this dairy wonder in “Love & Mercy,” an otherwise fine film. I had attempted to get in contact with Pohlad to suggest a scene in which Brian is served a slice of whole wheat bread and Al’s wonderful butter before proceeding to berate the cello players for forgetting grape jam, but never made contact.

Some of you will complain that the accuracy of the film would have been degraded as events depicted were prior to Al’s “Butter Years” – I believe this is clear in Andrew G. Doe’s timeline – but Carol believes she was served the butter much earlier than the surviving evidence would suggest, and her accuracy in these matters has proved – well, not particularly good.

I say, away you facts, confound it! Is accuracy more important than a truly memorable breakfast? I think not.

As to the influence of Al’s butter on the music, look no further than Brian’s sublime “Melt Away.”

Originally, Pitter Patter was secretly called Nutter Butter and had a laundry list of X-rated terminology in the lyrics. Understandably, it was censored for release.

Yes, but I'm just sorry the Broadway version of "Til I Die" was never fully choreographed. Brian's terpsichorean skills are well known, as his performances of "Sail On Sailor" attest. And, we know that Mike is the master of the audience point, and Bruce has mad mic adjusting skills. But, I've always wondered how Al, Carl and Dennis would have fared with box steps and jazz hands.

Al would have been doing his box steps and jazz hands whilst standing on top of a box. It's not easy being Al Jardine, shortest member of the group.

No dice, he would still be outvoted to 3-1 in the BRI corporate vote. The estate of Carl Wilson in particular are keen to avoid a 'moobs' scandal at any cost. How do you think the despised Mike Love was granted an exclusive licence over the beloved Al? Mike let it be known in BB insider circles to he 'had the goods' on Al and was prepared to 'dish the dirt' if need be. If you play the track Belles of Paris backwards you can sort of make out Mike making secret references to it.

You'll be heartened to know Hank that the Laserdisc release of Love & Mercy is to contain several butter related scenes, either as a Special Director's Cut or as deleted scenes.

Fine scholarship, here! I had thought the facts regarding “Pitter Patter” were hidden to all but those of us in the “know,” as they say.

One should not be concerned about the terpsichorean prowess of either Dennis or Carl. It is not for nothing Joel Grey once told me, “Please don’t stand on my shoe.” He recognized Dennis’ innate grace and charming steps! While not the natural Dennis was, Carl was adept at “the old soft shoe,” as it was known in my youth, and was quite the tap dancer, once having won a third grade contest while dressed smartly as the Lone Ranger.

It is true that Al never danced – agriculture is his game – but Brian would have devised a solution, perhaps having Al serve refreshments to a rapt audience. And Blondie Chaplain has been referred to as “the Fred Astaire of rock,” though only here, as far as I know. I would love to have seen Ricky Fataar waltz! Imagine!

Carol Kaye claims, of course, that she created the wondrous choreography that illustrated “Shortenin’ Bread” in the non-existent music video, but Brian’s fingerprints – perhaps footprints! – were all over it. And David Marks laid waste to Carol’s claims in his indispensible “On Broadway with Brian.”

Nutter Butter was a secret sequel to the original version of I Wanna Pick You Up, which was called I Wanna Sex You Up.

Fine news, Mike's Beard. Fine indeed. So you too have listened to "Belles of Paris" backward? I did so first purely by accident when I inadvertently plugged my car stereo into AC, badly burning my hand. But I have listened many times since and clearly hear Mike telling Al, "Careful what you spread." Or I believe the voice to be Mike's. Carol Kaye claims it is her voice.

Such silliness for (presumably) adults.

Amazed that there are actually SEVERAL people that would spend time doing "this" rather than simply looking at porn.

Michael was the devil voice heard in reverse on that track. In between words you could hear speeded-up passages of the Satanic Bible recited in fifty different Earth languages.

I rushed out and preordered 14 copies for myself and various friends and family. However in my haste I forgot to factor in that I don't currently own a laserdisc player , nor have I ever owned one. If someone is willing to let me come over theirs and watch it I will gladly offer them a 30 second sample of any released BB track of their choosing.

Sometimes people like to unwind. Some would rather watch porn, some would rather engage in ridiculous alternate Beach Boys histories. Besides, how do you know we're not watching porn while doing this, anyway? :)

Ah yes, porn! A favorite addiction of mine, though I’ve never actually seen any. I did listen to “Winchester Cathedral” once. My second wife’s lazy brother-in-law often referred to porn as “my avenue for relaxation and recreation,” but he lost credibility when he married the panda.

If not for porn, we might never have had a Love You album.

Strange that Brian has always attributed the inspiration for Love You to Proust. While it can be credibly claimed, though just as credibly denied, that Brian was indeed in his "Proust Period" while recording the album, I have often thought the inspiration more likely to have been Flaubert, to whom Proust owes much. Now there is little question that Proust was the inspiration for "Marcella," and Dennis Wilson said as much in an interview with Rolling Stone, though perhaps not.

Whew, it's time for me to masturbate. *changes the porn video*

I suppose you are another Zeppo Wilson denier as well?

Quit complaining and watch porn like Howie would. :)

For years we accused Al of looking like he 'was waiting for a bus'. It is all becoming clear now. He was in fact looking like 'he was churning butter', and it could explain his need for white suits?

Recall the Sunflower album cover. Al wasn't quite prepared to "come out." He found a middle ground. But he was telling us "I am a man of the cow. I am a man of butter." I recall him telling me "I am a man of the cow. I am a man of butter." I asked him about cheese, and he cursed me as a Philistine.

"Churning his butter" is what Al was up to while watching porn, so you can understand the confusion.

Exactly Cam! And might I say that you are unusually perceptive. Al, in the truest sense, is you, and he is me. He is Everyman. He wishes to churn his butter without the malice of bigotry and without appearing on Access Hollywood.

I only hope I live long enough to hear his long anticipated and copiously rerecorded epic songcycle "Buttermilk Is Free".

Sad that his perfectionism, his drive to make the greatest record of all-time, has paralyzed him in this manner. Those who have attended sessions claim it will change everything.

Hhhhmmmm.

That you can hum the first two bars tells me all I need to know about your contacts. You are the Real Deal, or perhaps the Teal Deal.

Well, I don't like to brag but I did once help Brad Elliott move one middle of the night.

Brad appreciated it, I'm told, though he referred to you often as "the male Carol Kaye."

Aaaahhhh, that's so Brad! That card.

Remember when he wore the Bruce Johnston mask to Grillo's masquerade party and became incensed when people mistook his costume for Manilow? Good times! That was before the indigestion, of course.

If only The Beatles hadn't beaten him to the punch by releasing "I am the Walrus" before that masterpiece, MoO, could be finished.

Tragic, but consider that Al was all but a one-man show competing against Lennon and McCartney, even Harrison as a songwriter. And Martin in the studio. The pressure was enormous. None of them, by the way, had cows to milk or butter to churn. Al confided to me one day, "How did you get this number?"

Even in this craziness, some light shines.  I recall that, during the long walk
to his "Postcards" album, he considered many album titles, including:

I Can't Believe It's Not Al Jardine

Al's sunny personality belies a complicated inner man. It's not for nothing Harrison wrote "Within You Without You" about him and dedicated his book, "Aye Freddie" to him as well. Lennon claimed the Beatles would have stayed together into the 70s had they "had a man like Al in the band, a man who could make a creamery butter to remember." Clearly Bruce Johnston was jealous and composed "Dierdre" to taunt Al. But the two men found common ground in cottage cheese.

Hence the origins of the phrases to "Butter one up," and "cheesy."

Not to mention "The Big Cheese," Denny's nickname for Al.

Any news on how Al's peanut M&Ms addiction is coming along? It's very gracious of Mike not to bring this delicate matter up in every interview.

Wasn't that put to bed in the early 90s with the controversial Dr Eueat Candy treating him? Saved Al's teeth although the side effects continue to this day.

Watch your tone.

He knows more about Alan's dairy herd husbandry than you can ever, ever, EVER fathom.

Y'know, it took going through a lot of connections, and cost me an arm and a leg... but I finally got a taste of Al's butter.  It was the taste version of listening to wind chimes.

Admin....surely thats against board rules? Like bootlegs and stuff.

I for one would be delighted to sample some of Al Jardine's home-cheese. Tonight, however, my farts smell like Cap'n Crunch.

Probably.

As many of you are deeply aware, save those who are blithely unconcerned, I must be quite cautious in discussing peanuts and the many problems they've caused Al. I will only say, we should all be grateful to his wonderful family for understanding what needed to be done. Thank goodness, too, Al has no issues with other nuts. His cashew butter is sublime!

There is probably no need to rehash the controversies regarding Al's treatment and why Lemon Pledge was employed. Clearly it was the wrong thing to do, though his furniture benefited.

By "clearly" I'm sure you mean "probably."

Yes. I am honest enough to admit there is room for doubt. In another matter, I seem to have losty slippers.

Mea Culpa. Which, coincidently, was Mike's nickname for his fourth wife.

I didn't intend for my recent criticism of (quote fingers) Dr. (close quote fingers) Candy and his (quote fingers) therapy (close quote fingers) as an endorsement or justification. My contempt for Candy and his (quote fingers) Lemon Pledge (close quote fingers) regime is a matter of public record plus I have scrawled it above the urinals in several Howard Johnson's around the world.

I personally prefer an Old English Red Oil Polish for my hard wood, but I digress. Anyway, it is well known that these days Al is in good hands with his Unsalted Butter (quote fingers) churn (close quote fingers).

Cam, I don't think you need apologize. This board, if nothing else, is meant to allow an expansive
rhetoric.  (I'm thinking of the example of the hermeneutics of Mr. Loaf as he has boosted jazz and
questioned a couple of songs on Summer In Paradise).  The problem, of course, is when the board's
automatic editor changes our phrases ( "dinky to behold" becoming "hard wood").  Is such censorship
necessary?  Perhaps it depends on the clientele.

Point taken old friend.

Also, furca you and the horse you rode in on.

Ah, I see what you mean.

I feel I must expand a bit on my prior comments, though why I have no idea -- I would much prefer to be enjoying my daily high colonic. That the Lemon Pledge permanently damaged Al is so obvious only the most obtuse of us would be oblivious -- and I should know this better than anyone giving the exquisite level of my obtuseness. Cam, you need apologize to no one other than to the maid for whom you left a massive mess. Your remarks on Al's "medical" treatment -- published I believe at Cabinessence under the pseudonym "Pseudonym" -- are an important addition to Beach Boys scholarship, theology and macrobiotics. Indeed there are some who attribute your scathing, no holds barred criticism of Candy to being a key element in bringing the rascal to justice -- if "justice" is a 12-bedroom ranch home in Belize. Your knowledge of furniture polish is unparalleled, as is your knowledge of Indian mysticism. I am frankly in awe. That you blatantly courted my fourth wife while I was on holiday in Grand Rapids is a matter of record, but I've forgiven you. I have not, however, forgiven Grand Rapids. I expected more.

Cunningham alludes cleverly to Summer in Paradise -- he could have said so much more. It pains one to realize what Al could have accomplished with this album if not for the impact of Candy. Had Candy merely chosen Old English Red, the history of the band could be so much different -- probably it would have. Clever of Cunningham to include in his post the title of the song that might have changed everything we think about SiP -- "Hermeneutics." Its vast scope, its two chord changes, its obscure yet moving lyrics -- clearly a nod to Milton -- would have stood in stark contrast to "Still Surfin'." And yet the summer theme holds -- splendid work. I recall Dennis Wilson saying of Al -- "He's moved beyond butter and is creating something just as great, though not in the dairy field."

Of course, the Lemon Pledge did its worst, and we all are excruciatingly aware of the bagel incident. In any case, you were correct about Candy then, and your feelings now are beyond reproach, though not beyond reproach.

Cam. While I appreciate you know your Edam from your Cheddar, why is it every thread you are involved in denigrates into  "Butteristas' verses the"Goudamoists" ?

Because of David Leaf's trope of Al and the Five Lactose Intolerant Assholes.  Which may not seem to make sense, at first, but later never you mind about that.

While I find myself somewhat distrustful of Leaf -- why change your name from Bark to Leaf merely because you think the latter sounds more "artistic"? -- you raise a delicate if indelicate point.

That Leaf has an "agenda" regarding Al is clear, though is it because of artistic ambition, money or perhaps a bid to acquire fresh butter at substantially discounted prices?

I am vexed. I also am short on this month's rent, but that isn't unusual.

I have my doubts that Brian is truly lactose intolerant, but in interviews he has been vague on the subject. If he is, it is a recent development as nobody scarfed more of Al's butter.

Commercial instincts could prompt Mike and Bruce to feign lactose intolerance, and who am I to judge? I once feigned a heart attack rather than see the Widow Moses for Sunday brunch.

If Leaf thinks the gimmick and new name are marketable, perhaps he is right. But I have my doubts. Recall that he tried to convince Brian to wear a Groucho Marx mustache and glasses during the taping of the tribute at Radio City. Thank goodness Paul Simon intervened, probably.

Melinda has said unequivocally that Brian sees no prospect of a reunion unless Al is front and center. She lives for his butter.

Somewhere in here is an answer, though I can't recall the question. I see that Gunsmoke is on! Ah that Festus!

Was it Paul Simon who suggested that Zeppo Wilson wear the goatee and beret? Or was that Randy Newman?

Zeppo says it was Paul. Observers say it was Newman. Elton claims he made the suggestion. Before the event, Leaf (Bark) was seen in deep conversation with Billy Joel. The mind blunders, but that is nothing new for me.

I think Lennon used the same when he polished his Norwegian Wood.

Indeed he did, as Yoko has attested, occasionally without giggling.

Some kind of butter! probably, likely, realistically a possible possibility and you can hold me to that.  Thanks Brain for your thoughts.

I'm pretty sure Dennis revealed to Hank that he used Old English Red Oil Polish on his Woody. I doubt he had to polish it much.

I would defy anyone to find a more consistently well-polished Woody. While Denny did indeed use Old English Red, I believe that was only because he had heard that Keith Moon used the same, though that could be a fiction. An old man struggles with facts.

Although it must have been a struggle to polish when he injured his hand in the early 70s. I have wondered if Jack Reilly, who had a bent for this type of thing,  may have offered him a hand? Bruce jumped ship when Jack offered to polish his organ I heard.

Dennis is unlikely to have taken a shine to the offer.