The very worst Beach Boys related 'song' ever released

[Nicko1234]

Wrinkles is a classic and it is soon to be released on a compilation along with Old Shep, Jeff Carson's Real Life, Gary Allen's Tough Little Boys and several others. The comp is up for pre-release on Amazon and is titled, 'Dead Good Dead Dog Songs'. Catchy title.

[bluesno1fann]

Make It Good
TM Song
Let's Put Our Hearts Together
SOLAR SYSTEM*
Love Is a Woman
Why Won't Someone Dance With Me
Winds of Change
When Girls Get Together
Passing Friend
Maybe I Don't Know
I Do Love You
Crocodile Rock
Problem Child
Under The Boardwalk
Stamosised Forever
Spring Vacation
Bill & Sue
Beaches In Mind

Now that would make a god awful compilation cd.

*Special emphasis for worst Beach Boys song ever.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

pleasebejokingpleasebejokingpleasebejokingpleasebejoking

No joke, I hate it, but that's 90% down to Gary Moore's horrible, horrible guitar shredding. In all honestly I thought you'd be more upset that I singled out the Dennis Wilson shitefest that is Make It Good.

With Make It Good, your feelings are understandable. Though the music is incredible, the lyrics are rubbish.
Personally, I don't mind it, and once again, there are worse BB's songs.

I was just shocked that you would put Maybe I Don't Know on that list. I find Gary Moore's guitar playing to be tolerable, but there's just something about that song...
IMO it's the best song off the 85 album.

[adamghost]

Oh man, so many here I forgot about...I looked at Cabinessence's links above, saw what they were, and ran the other way.

"Battle Hymn" -- man, forgot about that one.  Though listening to Mike tapdance his way around the vocal, and Carl and Al getting progressively more bored playing as the track wears on, is hilarious.

"Passing Friend" -- oh yeah, I HATE that song.  In fact, I'd almost say it's the worst ever in the sense that some of the other tracks mentioned are so terrible they have entertainment value for that reason alone (see above), but "Passing Friend" is just boring as hell.

How about "Happy Endings"?  Not only is the song treacly and terrible -- "Disney Girls" with all of the heart and intelligence removed -- but the video, as I've often said, is like a fever dream you get after gorging on Taco Bell right before falling asleep.  Even Carl sucks on it -- he oversings.  How often does THAT happen?

I was walking around with "Summer of Love" stuck in my head yesterday (thanks guys) and occurred to me that the absolute nadir of the song is the leering "GUUURRRLLLLS are always ready" counterpoint in the chorus.  It's so gross and transgressive, especially after "doin' it to you would be so very cool" (not doin' it WITH you, mind...TO you).  

At least that's my recollection of what it does.  I can't bring myself to go back to the video and watch to make sure.  Speaking of the video, what is UP with it?  You can't even tell who's in the band half the time.  It's so confusing.  Everyone wearing the ugliest lifeguard outfits ever.

Let me throw "H.E.L.P. Is On The Way" into the ring.  Yes, it's daft in that Brian navel-gazing way and it has that SUNFLOWER/SURF'S UP era downhome post-hippie charm, but it's about the least melodically engaging song they ever recorded and contains the deathless couplet "doughy lumps/stomach pumps/enemas too."  Forgot that one didn't ya?  Skid marks are only poetic if Roger Christian is writing about a drag race.

[donald]

Skid Marks?   hey , that would have been a good name for a hot rod group,back in the day!

[Kurosawa]

Skid Marks?   hey , that would have been a good name for a hot rod group,back in the day!

Or for a group of old geezers now.

Worst ever to me is Mike's Imagine cover or maybe B-Pain's rap song.

[Gertie J.]

Wrinkles is a classic and it is soon to be released on a compilation along with Old Shep, Jeff Carson's Real Life, Gary Allen's Tough Little Boys and several others. The comp is up for pre-release on Amazon and is titled, 'Dead Good Dead Dog Songs'. Catchy title.

you forget to put smiley

[Mr. Wilson]

Nobody warned me there was a you tube  link up there to Santa's goin to Kokomo .. Ah man my dinner is ruined now.. But IMHO Mike's lead vocals on JB Rock and HYAMLC were pretty good in fact what ruins the songs is the cheesy cheapo recordings.. The tracks are cheesy + light weight.. Heck there isn't even a guitar part on JB Rock.. Just keyboards + machines.. On both songs pretty much.. With a much better presentation + real instruments would have been good stuff..

[Mike's Beard]

I'd forgot about Happy Endings. What a bad song.

[Gabo]

Let me throw "H.E.L.P. Is On The Way" into the ring.  it's about the least melodically engaging song they ever recorded and contains the deathless couplet "doughy lumps/stomach pumps/enemas too."  

Most of CATP and Holland and Carl's LA contributions are all less catchy than HELP. I can't defend the "enema" line, though.

[Pinder's Gone To Kokomo And Back Again]

Let me throw "H.E.L.P. Is On The Way" into the ring.  it's about the least melodically engaging song they ever recorded and contains the deathless couplet "doughy lumps/stomach pumps/enemas too."  

Most of CATP and Holland and Carl's LA contributions are all less catchy than HELP. I can't defend the "enema" line, though.

I love the group vocal breakdown part on H.E.L.P ("H-E-L-P: Heeeeeeeelp") .... Let's remember that it's nothing but an unused commercial ditty for The Radiant Radish! Right?

Guuuuuuuuurls are always ready for stomach pumps and enemas too!

[adamghost]

Let me throw "H.E.L.P. Is On The Way" into the ring.  it's about the least melodically engaging song they ever recorded and contains the deathless couplet "doughy lumps/stomach pumps/enemas too."  

Most of CATP and Holland and Carl's LA contributions are all less catchy than HELP. I can't defend the "enema" line, though.

I love the group vocal breakdown part on H.E.L.P ("H-E-L-P: Heeeeeeeelp") .... Let's remember that it's nothing but an unused commercial ditty for The Radiant Radish! Right?

Guuuuuuuuurls are always ready for stomach pumps and enemas too!

ROTFLMAO

[Myk Luhv]

It's definitely gotta be "Smart Girls", hands down. That song is the embodiment of every rock fan's stereotype of what they think rap music is but actually isn't. Quite rightly, it's a complete and total embarrassment.

[Micha]

7 letters: TPLOBAS.

That's the worst, no further discussion.

[adamghost]

Let me throw "H.E.L.P. Is On The Way" into the ring.  it's about the least melodically engaging song they ever recorded and contains the deathless couplet "doughy lumps/stomach pumps/enemas too."  

Most of CATP and Holland and Carl's LA contributions are all less catchy than HELP. I can't defend the "enema" line, though.

Catchy and melodically engaging are not necessarily the same thing.  "Angel Come Home" or (for that matter) "Here She Comes" are less catchy than "H.E.L.P." but they're a hell of a lot more interesting and unpredictable.  H.E.L.P. follows an obvious 1-4-5 pattern with a rote melody pattern.  The descending cadence is OK, but it's also where the enemas come in.

"I Just Called To Say I Love You" is catchy.  It's not, however, melodically engaging.

[Andrew G. Doe]

It's definitely gotta be "Smart Girls", hands down. That song is the embodiment of every rock fan's stereotype of what they think rap music is but actually isn't. Quite rightly, it's a complete and total embarrassment.

... except that it remains resolutely unreleased.

[CenturyDeprived]

It's definitely gotta be "Smart Girls", hands down. That song is the embodiment of every rock fan's stereotype of what they think rap music is but actually isn't. Quite rightly, it's a complete and total embarrassment.

... except that it remains resolutely unreleased.

Can we all agree that "Smart Girls" is THE song that would never see official release by the powers-that-be, even if hell froze over?  I think we'd see "Teardrops On My Bed" get official release before "Smart Girls".

[Myk Luhv]

It's definitely gotta be "Smart Girls", hands down. That song is the embodiment of every rock fan's stereotype of what they think rap music is but actually isn't. Quite rightly, it's a complete and total embarrassment.

... except that it remains resolutely unreleased.

I thought it was released as a promotional track to radio stations at some point to build hype for Sweet Insanity or something along those lines? But even if that is the case, I suppose it's not exactly an official, wide release.

[Bill M]

It's definitely gotta be "Smart Girls", hands down. That song is the embodiment of every rock fan's stereotype of what they think rap music is but actually isn't. Quite rightly, it's a complete and total embarrassment.

... except that it remains resolutely unreleased.

Can we all agree that "Smart Girls" is THE song that would never see official release by the powers-that-be, even if hell froze over?  I think we'd see "Teardrops On My Bed" get official release before "Smart Girls".

"Battle Hymn of the Republic" has them all beat.

[dellydel]

I tried bringing Beaches In Mind into an audio editing program, just so I could drop the pitch on "beaches" and try to turn it into "bitches."  It totally did not work.  But someday.  Someday I will have the skill and the know-how to create a Beach Boys song called Bitches in Mind.  Man, its been too much time. 

(also, I totally don't hate this song...)

[SMiLE Brian]

I tried bringing Beaches In Mind into an audio editing program, just so I could drop the pitch on "beaches" and try to turn it into "bitches."  It totally did not work.  But someday.  Someday I will have the skill and the know-how to create a Beach Boys song called Bitches in Mind.  Man, its been too much time. 

(also, I totally don't hate this song...)

You are a genius.....

[Disney Boy (1985)]

It's definitely gotta be "Smart Girls", hands down. That song is the embodiment of every rock fan's stereotype of what they think rap music is but actually isn't. Quite rightly, it's a complete and total embarrassment.

... except that it remains resolutely unreleased.

Can we all agree that "Smart Girls" is THE song that would never see official release by the powers-that-be, even if hell froze over?  I think we'd see "Teardrops On My Bed" get official release before "Smart Girls".

"Battle Hymn of the Republic" has them all beat.

I LOVE H.E.L.P.

Oh, and I like Battle Hymn also... Perhaps I more interesting thread would be 'Clearly sh*t Beach Boys that you honestly genuinely un-ironically really like'!

[Summer_Days]

'Hey Little Tomboy'
'California Calling'
'Summer of Love'

 

[dellydel]

I know people have very different definitions of what it means to be a "fan" of something, but I want to share mine:

When I'm a fan of someone (a musician, an actor) I pretty much think they sh*t gold.  Since I'm a fan of the Beach Boys, I must think that everything they sh*t out has some gold in it.  And I do.  

Back in the day they used to sh*t 90% gold, and maybe 10% sh*t.  Over the years the gold/sh*t ratio has changed, sure, but there's always gold to be found there, even if it takes some digging.

So to me there's no such thing as a Beach Boys song that sucks all the way, because if they're the Beach Boys, and they are, and if there's at least 3 or four of them involved, as there usually is, then there's must be some gold in that poop!

For example, the song It's A Beautiful Day.  It ain't great.  But Carl's "living out in LA... such a beautiful daaaaay" part is great.  So there's a kinda crappy song that has 20 seconds of greatness, but I must've listened to it 25 times.

I don't own Summer in Paradise, as it's been out of print forever, and it's kinda terrible, but I've still listened to it on Youtube dozens of times.  Why have I listened to something that's kinda terrible dozens of times?  Because it's The Beach Boys and they go ooooh and aaaaaah and how bad could that be?  And if I owned Summer in Paradise on CD I'm sure I would've listened to it 100 times... and that's THEIR WORST ALBUM!  

(which is why my mind is blown... BLOWN... when I hear some board members describe songs or entire albums as UNLISTENABLE!!!)

Anyhoo.  That's my fandom.  And sorry for all the scatological imagery.    

And for the record, i LOVE When Girls Get Together, Hey Little Tomboy, Bill & Sue, and I think Smart Girls is some kind of crazy demented awesome.

[Disney Boy (1985)]

I know people have very different definitions of what it means to be a "fan" of something, but I want to share mine:

When I'm a fan of someone (a musician, an actor) I pretty much think they sh*t gold.  Since I'm a fan of the Beach Boys, I must think that everything they sh*t out has some gold in it.  And I do.  

Back in the day they used to sh*t 90% gold, and maybe 10% sh*t.  Over the years the gold/sh*t ratio has changed, sure, but there's always gold to be found there, even if it takes some digging.

So to me there's no such thing as a Beach Boys song that sucks all the way, because if they're the Beach Boys, and they are, and if there's at least 3 or four of them involved, as there usually is, then there's must be some gold in that poop!

For example, the song It's A Beautiful Day.  It ain't great.  But Carl's "living out in LA... such a beautiful daaaaay" part is great.  So there's a kinda crappy song that has 20 seconds of greatness, but I must've listened to it 25 times.

I don't own Summer in Paradise, as it's been out of print forever, and it's kinda terrible, but I've still listened to it on Youtube dozens of times.  Why have I listened to something that's kinda terrible dozens of times?  Because it's The Beach Boys and they go ooooh and aaaaaah and how bad could that be?  And if I owned Summer in Paradise on CD I'm sure I would've listened to it 100 times... and that's THEIR WORST ALBUM!  

(which is why my mind is blown... BLOWN... when I hear some board members describe songs or entire albums as UNLISTENABLE!!!)

Anyhoo.  That's my fandom.  And sorry for all the scatological imagery.    

And for the record, i LOVE When Girls Get Together, Hey Little Tomboy, Bill & Sue, and I think Smart Girls is some kind of crazy demented awesome.

I think Dellydell should be made a 5-star honoured guest for that post alone.

[dellydel]

I think Dellydell should be made a 5-star honoured guest for that post alone.