Feedback on project, please.

[Daniel S.]

Hey guys, I'm working on a film project and have an assignment to define my film in one concise sentence.

Here it is:  "A Cult film about two friends out of college struggling with burn out."

Judging from the above sentence, what do you think the project is about and is it something you'd be interested in watching.


thanks!

[Reverend Joshua Sloane]

"Struggling with burn out".

Does that mean, "Struggling with stress, failure, lack of motivation, directionless outlooks."?

"Struggling with burn out", sounds a bit odd.

If it's like my interpretation up there then it would be something i'd gladly watch.

[Daniel S.]

"Struggling with burn out".

Does that mean, "Struggling with stress, failure, lack of motivation, directionless outlooks."? 

Yes, that's what I'm trying to say, but I'm struggling to find a concise way of saying it that sums up all that stuff. Any suggestions?

Thank you for taking the time to help.

[Reverend Joshua Sloane]

A cult film about two directionless college graduates.

A cult film about two college graduates trying to find their place in life.

A cult film about two college friends sharing the damaging affects of stress and burn-out.

An awesome movie that you should definitely watch.

................................

I'm sorry, i'm not very good at this. I want to watch this thing now, after having thought about it for 5 minutes. 



 

[Daniel S.]

Those aren't bad.

[Rerun]

The idea of it being a "cult film" implies it already has a small, but fanatic following...which I don't believe is the case since it's a student project.  You MAY want to change it to "small film" or something...

[Reverend Joshua Sloane]

Couldn't "Cult" be used in this context meaning simply, a film that is of an esoteric nature?

I'm not sure if "cult" HAS to imply that there are devout followers of it already.

Good luck anyway.

[Daniel S.]

Yeah, cult is also a genre description.

[Daniel S.]

How do these three sound?

1) A cult film about two friends out of college struggling with stress, boredom and too many bong hits.

2) A cult film about two friends out of college struggling with stress, failure and boredom while medicating themselves with pot and psychadelic drugs.
 
or A cult film about two friends out of college struggling with stress, failure and boredom as they medicate themselves with pot and psychadelic drugs.

3) A cult film about two friends out of college struggling with failure and boredom, as they medicate themselves with pot and other drugs.

Is there a concise way to sum up "pot and psychadelic drugs"? A shorter term perhaps?

[Daniel S.]

The two friends are guys, is that something you naturally assumed?

Does this sound like something that would be humorous, or does it sound depressing?

[Susan]

Two college grads burn out while trying to relieve burn-out.

The effects of burn-out on a couple of burnouts.

Here's a thing i don't understand...they're fresh out of college, right?  So why are they burned out?  They're on the threshold of Life - they're done with college - what's to be burned out about?

[Reverend Joshua Sloane]

1) A cult film about two friends out of college struggling with stress, boredom and too many bong hits.

This one is PERFECT. USE IT. It read like an actual description I would expect to see. It also displays the humour, which i've guessed is what's in the film, right? If you drag it out, "Struggling with psychedelic drugs..." it sounds like it'll be one of those dark, shady, depressing films. Go with number one, it sounds great.

[Daniel S.]

Thanks! A few other people told me not to use the word "cult".  So I have to find a substitute word for it.

[Reverend Joshua Sloane]

So we're now one word away from completetion....

Brain Freeze 

[Susan]

And....stressed AND too many bong hits???  Dude...is there such a thing?

[donald]

aren't there several movies about post college age guys bumbling around doing different things....wedding crashers....40 year old virgin.....?


Having said that, it remains a sub genre that is usually good for a few laughs.  The only thing funnier than bumbling men is young bumbling men.

Right Dude?

[Daniel S.]

Okay, how does this sound?

'A comedic chronicle about two friends out of college, struggling with failure and boredom, as they medicate themselves with pot and other drugs.'

Or maybe the college part isn't really necessary.

'A comedy about two friends struggling with failure, and boredom, as they medicate themselves with pot and other drugs.'

Would you assume they're young guys?

[Susan]

"A chronicle of failure and boredom, fueled by pot and beer."

Not sure why you're using the word "medicating."  That is a fairly modern construct...and i've always felt that it was misapplied in this sense.

See, what you're describing is what many, many, MANY young men - and young women - go through in and around the college period.  Which is fine...but what sets yours apart?  What makes yours different?  THAT'S what you need to focus on, and what you need to highlight so that potential viewers and even buyers are willing to take a second look.  "Failure and boredom," "college burnout," "pot and other drugs"...you aren't breaking new ground - again, which is fine - but you want to find a way to set your work apart, and i'm thinking that means finding descriptors that make it stand out.

[Daniel S.]

Okay guys, I've tried to get to the heart of the story. Here's a new rough draft.


'An aimless college graduate spends his last day in town, with two friends from high school, before moving to another state to join the family business. They while away the time getting high, dreaming of adventure and escape.'

[Susan]

MUCH better!!! NOW you're telling us something more than "they're burnt and they get high."  But because i can't help myself, here's a little tighten-up:

'An aimless college graduate spends his last day in town with two high school friends before leaving to join the family business. They while away the time getting high, and dream of adventure and escape.'

[Daniel S.]

Thanks for the feedback, Susan.

[Daniel S.]

Here's a new rough "rough draft", trying to put some new ideas in the mix.

'An aimless college graduate, being pressured to join the family business, spends his last day in town with two high school friends as he waits for a phone call from a comic book company he hopes will hire him and put him on the path to his creative goals. They spend the day getting high, dreaming of adventure and escape as they come to terms with growing up.'

I don't really like the last part 'come to terms with growing up,' that's what they are doing in the film but I'm trying to find a less ham handed way of saying it. Also, part of the premise is that if he doesn't get this job he's waiting for, then he will have no choice but to move to another state to work for his family.

[Susan]

It just feels like you're trying to say too much.  You don't need to tell the whole story in this sort of blurb; you just want to entice people to want to see it.  The comic book company is irrelevant at this point.  Wanting to do something creative might be.  What are the absolutely essential bits of information that your READER needs to have about the film?  That's all that should go into this blurb.

And that's hard, i know!  But you must be ruthless...brutal. 

A recent graduate avoids the reality of having to join the family business by getting high with his friends.

That kind of thing. 

[Susan]

I just went back and read your first post, and here is what you said: 

Hey guys, I'm working on a film project and have an assignment to define my film in one concise sentence.

So...one sentence, Heywood...one sentence.

[Daniel S.]

'An aimless graduate spends his last day in town, before leaving to join the family business, dreaming of adventure while coming to terms with the passing of his childhood dreams.'

'An aimless graduate spends his last day in town, before leaving to join the family business, dreaming of adventure while coming to terms with the harsh realities of the adult world he knows so little about.''

'An aimless college graduate spends his last day in town with two high school friends before leaving to join the family business. Trying to cope with the harsh realities of the adult world they while away the time getting high, dreaming of adventure and escape.'

'An aimless college graduate spends his last day in town with two high school friends, before leaving to join the family business, as they retreat from the harsh realities of the adult world dreaming of adventure and escape.'